Video games, exhibited at a convention [e.g. E3, PAX], will be in one of the various stages of development: recently shipped, shipping to stores, will ship in a few months, will ship over the holidays, are years away from release, or are a tech demo that will never ship in its current form.  This means that most exhibited video games will be in an incomplete state.

Incomplete games differ from released games in a number of ways.  The more incomplete a game is, the more likely it is to have serious bugs (I managed to crash and freeze a number of games at E3 this year).  Incomplete games will not have the prettiest of graphics.  They will be missing their polish.  They will be missing some of their content – an incomplete game might only consist of one actual level, bubble-gum, and bailing-wire.

Certain things can get better:

• Performance (a.k.a. frame rate),
• Stability (a.k.a. not crashing),
• Graphics,
• Polish,
• Quality and quantity of content

These are the type of things that can be improved.  Complaints about presentation and resource aspects might be unfounded by the time the game is released.  These issues are worth noting in an objective preview, but not worth worrying about.  At least, these issues are not worth worrying about if there is a sufficient amount of time before the game is scheduled for release.

Certain things are hard to improve:

• ‘Fun’ is very hard to correct.
• ‘Controls’ can be tightened up, but are hard to completely change if they do not work.
• ‘Theme’, ‘setting’, and ‘character’ are not going to change.
• Gameplay modes (single player, multi-player, co-op) normally have to be designed from the outset – adding a new one, during development, is difficult.

Aspects that are hard to improve are less likely to change before the game is released.  That makes these aspects the best way to objectively judge an incomplete video game.

Today is the day that everyone gets to be wrong.

If you were to browse to a website that specializes in video game news.  Wait…  Gosh.  Hopefully, y’all will press the back button and read the rest of this post.

Video game news-based websites are currently full of: rumors, speculation, and early E3 announcements.  Fanboys and fangirls are filling Internet forums with gossip; their hopes and dreams are on display.  Joystiq has ‘Bingo’ cards to guess at what the video-game console manufacturers will announce at their keynotes – cute, but they are giving everyone the same card which defeats the entire point of Bingo.  Also, they are missing the fly, older ladies that hang out at Bingo at the local retirement home.  [shot out to Evelyn if she’s reading!].

Lordpi.com prides itself as being the sole home for truth, justice, and the American Way on the Internet.  Also, burritos.  This means that lordpi.com cannot participate in idle gossip, rumors, and any form of speculation that doesn’t involve gold.  Which is why the following is comprised of educated reasoning, blatant lies, and great ideas.

Microsoft Xbox Video Game and Entertainment System

Educated reasoning:

- Statistics: Xbox 360 has sold a lot.  Lots of people on Xbox Live.  Lots of things downloaded.  Big Netflix numbers.  Lots of 3rd party game sales.  Mention of the number of titles on the Community Arcade.

- Halo ODST: This game will be huge!  No Master Chief?  No problem.

- New 1st party game announcements: Forza Motorsport 3 [for racing fans], a game by the Lionhead studio, a game by the Rare studio, and a game by the Bigpark studio.

- Alan Wake [Microsoft/Remedy]: this game should be awesome.

- 3rd parties on display: Modern Warfare 2 [Activision/Infinity Ward], Tony Hawk’s Ride [Activision], The Beatles [EA/Harmonix], Madden 2010 [EA/EA Tiburon], Bioshock 2 [Take 2], and Assassin’s Creed 2 or Splinter Cell: Conviction [Ubisoft] are the likeliest of candidates.

- New XBLA game: A new game for the Xbox Live Arcade is normally announced and released during the press conference.

- New Xbox Live demos: New demos are normally released online during the convention.

If lordpi.com was in charge:

- Hulu support: I’d introduce ad-supported video.  Lots of people are too cheap to buy entertainment.

- Games that should have sequels:

- Crackdown: this game showed promise.  Please make another.

- Mechassault, Mechwarrior, Battletech, Mechcommander: Choose one [or more] and make more games in their series.

- Crimson Skies: See Mechwarrior above.

- Bloodwake: We’re serious.

- Phantom Dust: The first was great.

Sony Playstation 3 Computer Entertainment System

Educated reasoning:

- Statistics: Playstation sales (as a percentage).  Home numbers.  PSN numbers.  Sony likes numbers, so we should see a bunch.  Amount of user generated content made for LittleBigPlanet.

- Talk about the games that will come out eventually: God of War 3, MAG, Gran Turismo 5, Heavy Rain, and Uncharted 2.

- Media announcements: Sony will have a video partnership with someone.  Hulu, Netflix, Blockbuster, or CBS.  This will come in a forthcoming patch [to which they will provide more details].

- PS3 Slim[mer]: A new physical body is being worked on for the Playstation 3.  It won’t be nearly as slim as the PS2 currently is, but it will be quite a bit thinner than the huge unit they currently ship.  Improvements will come from: external power supply, simpler chips, and less accessory ports [external usb hub?].  The parts should cost less than the current model.  Still won’t be backwards-compatible with the Playstation 2, though.

- New 1st party game announcements: Team ICO’s much anticipated game, new PSN titles, new SOCOM, new games in their casual series [Singstar, Buzz, Eyetoy], Starhawk, and Twisted Metal.  About ten ‘new’ games should be announced, even though there have already been a number of them leaked/rumored.

- 3rd parties on display will be quite similar to Microsoft’s.

- New Home content.

If lordpi.com was in charge:

- Lordpi.com would hope that Sony gives nice parachutes to those that they put in charge.

- Presentation would be done inside of LittleBigPlanet.  If not Sony keynote == FAIL.

Nintendo Wii

Educated reasoning:

- Statistics: Wii numbers are teh crazy!!!!111!11!1  As are Mario Kart Wii, Wii Play, and Wii Fitness numbers.  DS numbers are also incredible.  Number of WiiWare and VC games might also be touted.

- The Casual Market: There will be a lot of focus on the ‘casual’ market.  Wii Fitness Plus and Wii Sports Resort will headline.

- The Core Market: Bird-chirps.  It won’t be as bad as last year, as Nintendo will talk about a new Mario game, the Metroid Prime collection, some DS->Wii IP ‘ports’, two non-Metroid Gamecube->Wii upgrades, and Kid Icarus Wii.

- New Virtual Console releases will be announced.

- There will be a big focus on the Nintendo DS/DSi as well.

If lordpi.com was in charge:

- New games:

- Nintendogs Wii

- A Fire Emblem spinoff for the Wii.  Same feel, but more realtime.

- Wii Remote Massage

- A real Zelda game for the Wii

- Wii Party [yes, it wouldn’t have Mario in it – you would primarily use your Mii’s; this would be for ‘the casual market’ that is afraid of Mario and all of his mushroom kingdom shenanigans]

- No Kid Icarus for the Wii would ever be made.  It prevents lordpi.com from joking about the incredulity of Kid Icarus not having a sequel.

- Wii HD: It’s too early for this.  It should be ready next year.  It would run the same exact game discs as the current Wii, but it would ‘upscale’ the graphics to 720P.  Primarily for the Core Market.

It’s coming.  June 1st, 2009.  Ready or not.

What is E3?

The acronym for the Electronic Entertainment Exposition.  An industry trade show that is used to showcase video-games.

E3 was originally created to provide an environment where video-game publishers could exhibit their forthcoming wares to the distributors and retailers that made the purchasing decisions.  This way, the retailers would be able to figure out what they should stock on their shelves.

Then the media got interested in the exhibition.  Whether it was the games on display or the videos or the personalities or the keynotes: the media presence started to grow with each E3.

Each video-game console manufacturer had to have their own keynote to begin the exhibition.  These keynotes were used by the console manufacturers to announce how intelligent their supporters were for supporting them.

Video-game developers would use the exhibition to network with their fellow professionals and see the games that the competition was providing.  There might have been a crunch in getting the demos ready for the show floor, but many found the event to be relaxing and enjoyable.

What happened?

Greed.  Envy.  Sex.  Drugs.  ROCK N’' ROLL!

E3 had become an opalescent beast.  It became more about pandering to the idiot attendees and the media than the retailers or the industry professionals.  If a person had a website or worked as a store clerk they could get in.  Attendance ballooned.  It got very expensive for a publisher to get their message across.

E3 2006 was particularly disastrous.  Rumors abound as to what exactly happened.  The leading rumors put the onus on Sony [a video-game manufacturer] and Electronic Arts [a video-game publisher].  Both had spent a lot of money, but hadn’t been able to attract positive attention to their wares.

Someone had the misguided idea that the only segment that mattered was media.  Select media.  Threats were made to leave the trade organization that ran E3 if it didn’t scale down.

It scaled down, and became a hollow shell.  Something was missing in E3 2007.  There wasn’t much of an exhibition, it didn’t get any word-of-mouth coverage, and it was more expensive than past E3’s for many involved.  E3 2008 was a little bigger, but still wasn’t what everyone involved hoped for.

Why is E3 2009 Special?

June 1st, 2009: the Exhibition is getting back together.  Spectacle!  Excitement!  Private demos of games for invite-only media that will rave about it!  Bright lights!  Big city!  Parties!  Theatres with exclusive trailers being shown!  Booth Babes!  Websites reporting on Booth Babes!  Booth Babe ranking contests on said websites!  Celebrity sightings!  Sunny Los Angeles!  Free T-shirts and bags will logos on them!  Exclamation points!!!!!!!11!!1!!1!!1!

Oh, and maybe there will be a few games.  Although, the same games will likely be playable at PAX a few months later.

E3 Highlights

Keynotes

Fanboys are already getting out their tape measures in anticipation of the keynotes that begin the conference.  A fanboy is a strange kind of Internet creature: they have purchased a device that can play video-games, but they don’t play any games on it.  Instead, they flood the Internet forums and try their best to overreact to every piece of video-game news.  Every objective news article is obviously biased against them.  Anything short of exuding praise is an affront against the console that they happen to own.  They eventually gravitate together and support each other with their trolling, insults, fallacies, and desperate search for articles that hurt the fanboys of rival consoles.  Anything that helps reinforce that they made a good decision about their purchase and the size of their penis.

Kentia Hall

It’s unconfirmed if Kentia Hall will be brought back, though.  In past E3’s [before the dark, dark days of the ‘media-only event’] smaller companies would flock to this hall with their duplication services, eccentric devices, distribution abilities, foreign developer relations, magazines to hand out, peripheral devices to show, video-game school recruiting, and Fatal1ty challenges.  Basically, people that would have been better served by having a booth at the Game Developer Conference than the Electronic Entertainment Exposition.  There weren’t many Booth Babes or spectacle in this densely-packed hall of despair and death.

And yet, Kentia Hall had a certain indelible charm…

Talks and Lectures

There doesn’t seem to be any mention of talks or lectures.  They always seemed awkward at past E3’s due to the diverse attendee population.

Nintendo

They haven’t announced where the Nintendo butt-kissing line will start.  It will be important to wait three [or more] hours in line for that privilege.  Past E3’s this line was used to show off Zelda, Zelda, and the Wii [with Zelda on it!].

E3 Expectations

Are. Through. The. Roof.  And the roof is on FIRE!  Let it burn, let it burn!

Motion Sensing Rumors

There are three video-game manufacturers: Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony.

Nintendo makes the Wii, a video-game console that uses a motion-sensing remote control as input.  Both of the rival companies [Microsoft and Sony] are rumored to reveal their own motion-sensing controllers.  Although, these same rumors were popular last year and failed to materialize.

In fact, Nintendo was so worried about Microsoft announcing a motion-sensing controller, that Nintendo fired off a press release before the Microsoft keynote.  In it they announced an attachment that would make their Wii controler’s motion-sensing actually work correctly.

This move doubly backfired:

1. Microsoft did not make any related announcement that could be upstaged

2. Nintendo admitted that the motion-sensing in their controller didn’t really work that well.

The announced attachment, the Wii Motion Plus, is scheduled to come out after this forthcoming E3 – it’s possible Nintendo might try to announce it again…

Publisher Death Watch Betting Game

There are three less major video-game publishers at E3 2009 than there were at E3 2006.  Not only does it make things more interesting, but it makes the ‘Publisher Death Watch Betting Game’ of previous E3’s much harder. The casualties were:

1. Eidos [Hitman, Tomb Raider] was bought by a UK developer, which renamed the combined entity back to Eidos, and then was recently acquired by Square Enix [Final Fantasy, other games like Final Fantasy].

2. Vivendi Universal [contained the Sierra and Blizzard studios] bought Activision [Call of Duty, Guitar Hero], merged it in, put Activision management in charge, and renamed the combined entity Activision Blizzard.

3. Midway [Mortal Kombat, Gauntlet] is in the middle of bankruptcy reorganizations of some sort.  Isn’t on the current exhibitor list, either.

Duke Nukem Forever

Duke Nukem Forever was promised as the ultimate video-game.  The follow-up to the widely popular video-game Duke Nukem 3D, DNF [as it was abbreviated] was originally unveiled at E3 1999.  It had turned heads at a number of E3 appearances since then.  After a few more E3 appearances, non-appearances, and many rumors it became the joke of the industry.  Vaporware.  Yet, there was always the hope.  The hope, that with every E3, the developer would announce a holiday release.

The developer, 3D Realms just declared bankruptcy this past week.

E3 might be back, but, without Duke Nukem Forever, does it even matter?

National Novel Writing Month [or NaNoWriMo, for short] begins Saturday, November 1st.  The idea behind NaNoWriMo is that you are supposed to write a 50000+ word book, from start to finish, during the course of the month.  You can outline/prepare before it begins, but the only words that count are those actually written down during November.

The big positive is that it encourages you to write something.  There is a non-profit that helps ‘organize’ it, there are a bunch of other people in your area with whom you can find mutual motivation, and there is the stress of looking at your word count every day mocking you.  In a haughty voice it mocks you.

The negative is that you are going to write utter crap.  There are special events, themes, word-offs, and such to help get those word counts up.  Writing a cohesive story is the least of a daring writer’s concern.  Only the word count matters!  It’s word count or die.  Let me put it another way: it would even break a mother’s heart to see the sort of drivel that is likely to be turned out by participating ‘writers’.  [ed: which shouldn’t be a problem for the writers of lordpi.com, since that’s the normal quality of writing on this site]

A typical NaNoWriMo will go something like this:

1. October 31st, 11pm.  Show up, in costume, to Denny’s with laptop.  Don’t have any idea what to write.  One Luddite shows up with a pad of paper and a pencil like its still 1783 or whenever it was before laptops were invented.  Research only serves to limit word count, so it doesn’t really matter what year it was.
2. The clock strikes midnight.  The fingers begin their divine, dirty work.
3. Watch as someone next to you writes 2000 words in the time it takes for you do decide what directory to create your word document in.  They’ve gone home, hit the gym, and cleaned their bathroom by the type you’ve settled on the title for the document.  Don’t get me started on their ability to solve the derivatives market through a multi-sided credit-swap that ushers in a new age of peace and prosperity while you’re finishing the title page, headers, and footers.
4. Anyway, you leave at 2 am tired with one thousand words.  It’s a this point you realize it might have helped to work on the outline in October.  Or even come up with an idea of what to write other than ‘giant robot paranormal romance’.  However, you’ve got a thousand words so you feel pretty good about yourself when you…
5. wake up at 11:14am the next day.  [ed: this year November 1st is a Saturday, but that is not always the case]  You can always get to writing more later.  I mean, you already have a thousand words!
6. Three days later you realize that those thousand words you wrote are getting kind of lonely.  You struggle in front of your keyboard for an hour, cranking out a measly 416 more words, and decide to watch Heroes.  Which has really gone downhill since the first season.  Now it is just the Petrelli family drama hour.  It’s almost like a ‘CW soap opera’ now, but the only difference is that the cast of Heroes is not comprised of cute twenty-somethings pretending to be in high school.
7. You decide it might be a good idea to go to a write-in.  A write-in is where a bunch of NaNo participants sit together, normally in a public place (like a coffee shop, library, or conference room).  The idea is that you might actually write something if there are other people around you writing something (the kickoff above is actually a super-write-in).  So you go online to see where the write-ins are going to happen…
8. …but they are all in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the day.  It’s like everyone else participating doesn’t have a job and lives out in the country.  You end up finding one you can actually make, but there aren’t any single, hot chicks there.   What the heck?
9. To make matters worse, you manage to figure out how the Wi-Fi at the write-in’s coffee shop works.  The Internet prevents you from writing more than 217 words in the two hours you spend there.  On the bright side, one of the other writers there has a thousand words less than you, since they only heard of NaNoWriMo a week ago.  It feels good to not be in last place.
10. Every week an ‘encouragement’ e-mail hits your e-mail inbox.  These are sent by the organizers of NaNoWriMo, and often feature famous, published authors that you’ve never heard of.  People who found eternal fame and success by writing outside of NaNoWriMo.  The messages have a different theme each week: starting well, hitting the 20000 word hump, the home stretch, etc.  Incredulous!  If there is a hump at 20000 words, then that’s going to be a problem -- the 2000, 3000, 4000, and upcoming 5000 word humps have been quite troublesome.
11. Thanksgiving is towards the end of November?  Great…  why didn’t someone tell me that’s when they scheduled it this year?
12. At some point you’ll write something you’ll regret: a misplaced sentence, an unnecessarily verbose and redundant adjective or sentence clause, or even an entire chapter.  NaNoWriMo guidelines suggest that you do not delete it.  That is correct.  Erasing can come in December when you do not need the extra words.  I like panda bears.  Also, stop using contractions since they only count as one word instead of the two that you could get if you wrote everything out.  Sometimes random sentences also help (see the comment about panda bears above which might not be factually correct, or relevant, or accurate…)
13. The stress might start to wear on you.  Relax, it is not the end of the world.  Imagine all of the people who have not even started NaNoWriMo.  At least you are possibly beating them at this point.
14. Still, you will find each new day dreadful.  You are supposed to hit 1333 words/day, but it is impossible to not fall behind.  When you open up your laptop to look at your Word document, read the last page of crap you wrote, calculate how many words/day you need to ‘win’, I’m just going to watch some more Heroes or go to sleep or something…  I can just write harder tomorrow.
15. You wake up early [or late] on November 30th.  This is it.  Going to sprint as much as possible after work!  I only need 42,879 words.  That’s only like 7000 words/hr.  If work only didn’t require me to stay so late today.
16. At 9:47pm you set your alarm to ring at 11:55pm.  Nah, 11:50pm.  Then you get to writing.  And it flows and it is so beautiful and … ring! ba-ring! goes your alarm.  Right when you were getting to a really juicy part of describing how soft the rock hard, intangible melons felt between T.R.33V’s firm, but also intangible claws.  The way his vocorder crackled sweet subdivisions in her pert, intangible speakers.  Her gasps of delight were quickly lost under the pleasant hum of her cooling fans turning on.  Um…  But you don’t have time to continue!  Press CTRL+S, take a drink of water to cool down, and get ready for the most important part of NaNoWriMo: the validator.
17. The validator is used to count a participants words, to judge if they ‘won’ by reaching the 50000+ word goal.  It takes 8 minutes to upload your word document to NaNoWriMo’s validator, but you make it with a minute or two to spare.  The validator tells you that you didn’t win, you didn’t come close to winning, and you need to eat more leafy green vegetables.  It’s basically your doctor without the coughing and the prostate exam.
18. You might have lost by a large margin, but it feels good to have made that loss official.  Okay, it doesn’t really feel that good, but at least it is all over.
19. So you tell yourself: ‘Next time!  I’ll get you next time!  I’ll have my revenge!’  Unfortunately, if you are at all like the writers behind lordpi.com, this draws a large number of stares since you just told yourself that aloud at the top of your lungs while in the middle of a coffee shop.
20. When you wake up the next day there is a strange calm.  The pressure of hitting your 1,333 words isn’t there anymore.  Where the pain used to be is only… nothing.
21. The only thing left is the TGIO [Thank Goodness It is Over] party a few days into December.  You show up meek and late.  It’s a mixture of people gloating about their 116,874 words before they started a second book in the middle of the month that they almost finished as well with people, like yourself, that didn’t even manage to crack the half-way mark.  Or even the quarter-way mark.  Well… you get the idea.
22. Then you waste the next eleven months of your life living, breathing, working, eating, swimming, and reading quality Internet websites.
23. GOTO 1

The staff at lordpi.com wishes y’all the best of luck with your NaNoWriMo endeavor.  At least, they would if there were any staff [ed: there is still no editor for this site] and if they didn't consider it immoral for people to write works that don’t need to be read.  Which, unfortunately, includes your ‘giant robot paranormal romance’ masterpiece.  Sorry.

It’s sad how much the presidential candidates (Senator Obama and Senator McCain) have been ignoring the most pressing issue of the election:

Plutoids

Let’s face it, the majority of the people eligible to vote don’t care about taxes, war, drugs, healthcare, sex scandals, abortion, capitol punishment, foreign policy, experience in office, filling supreme court seats, or any of the usual rigmarole that politicians debate.  These are all things that have no measurable effect on our day-to-day lives.  And with our feeble votes, they aren’t the sort of things we have any ability to affect.

We should follow the advice of recovering alcoholics: ‘I don’t remember, I was drunk’.  Well, that or the thing about only worrying about what we can actually affect.

Which brings me back to the real issue of plutoids.  Now, dear reader, I’m sure that both of you are wondering why plutoids are important.  Plutoids mean that everything you were ever taught [in school] was actually a lie.

No, this isn’t about the wishy-washy astronomers and their ‘it’s a planet’, ‘no its not’, ‘its a dwarf planet’, ‘its a plutoid’, ‘plutoids are dwarf planets if they somewhat resemble pluto’, ‘i like cheese’.  And the eternally debated: ”If a ‘dwarf planet’ falls into a black hole, does it make a sound?“ And whether it is more politically correct to refer to dwarf planets as ‘little planets’.  It’s so confusing sometimes.  How do we know that ‘dwarf planets’ are really small and its not that the other planets are too big?  I mean, we refer to some of them as ‘gas giants’.  Although, I’ve heard that term can also be used to describe long-term WoW addicts.

Also, there isn’t really a problem with the invention of the term ‘plutoid’.  The wordovation space is still a nascent industry and that means there are still a lot of syllables to go around [NOTE: lordpi.com is a leading wordovator, having just invented the word ‘wordovator’ and the concept of ‘wordovation’].

The problem is that America is a democracy, and we’re proud of it.  It works.  Sure, the economy might spin out of control, there might be an oil crisis [or two], mortgages might all default, the cost of bananas might rise to $.89/lbs, ‘American Idol’ might be the number one television show of all time, and violence and sex in video games is considered teh worst thing evah.  But it’s better than any of the other systems of government out there.  The two best things about American democracy is that we get free elections – which help in determining our overlords -- and that there are multiple, interlocking branches of government – a design which helps prevent anyone from having too much power.  If there wasn’t a legislative branch, the President would just declare every day ‘Wear Cheese as a Hat Day’ and demand a tithe of beautiful young ladies.  Luckily, for those of us who prefer our heads to be cheese-less and our comely, young ladies to be non-sacrificed, we have a legislative branch that might decide to impeach the President if he ever went that far.

Compare this with astronomy.  There isn’t a system of checks and balances in the ‘scientific’ world of astronomers.  They can do whatever they want, wherever they want, and there isn’t anyone who can do anything to oppose them.  Do you even know who your astronomical representative is?  When was the last time that you even had an opportunity to vote?  Were there any Plutians represented on the astronomer’s high council?  What’s to stop them from putting cheese on every planet’s head?  And what horrible plans do they have for our womenfolk?

This is why we need legislative oversight!  We need a President who will make the skies safe for democracy!  Every sentence in this paragraph has to end with an exclamation mark!  Or two!!!

Imagine if this is allowed to continue…  What happens when they decide that moonless planets aren’t planets, but mercuroids?  And then they decide that bodies like hema need to be –oided?  AND WHAT OF THE MOON?  ISN’T IT MADE OF GREEN CHEESE?  WHAT KIND OF SICK VIRGIN-SACRIFICING PLANS DO THEY HAVE FOR IT?!?!?!

It’s not too late.  We can still stop them.  We can still bring JUSTICE and DEMOCRACY to the ‘so called Scientific Community of Astronomy.’  Don’t let the terrarists win.

Get involved:

Ask Barack Obama what he will do about the planetary problem.*

Ask Cynthia McKinney what she will do about the planetary problem.*

Ask John McCain what he will do about the planetary problem.*

* NOTE: Don’t actually contact any of them.  The astronomers have ‘friends’ in high ‘places’ and they might turn you into a plutoid.  That, and you’d probably… Forget it.  I’m going to get some cheese pizza and wallow in it.

Two interesting articles appeared on the Internet recently:

Paul Graham's You Weren't Meant to Have a Boss and Adam Maxwell's Opinion: The Case Against Writers In The Game Industry.

Both are interesting opinion pieces.  They are comprised of a combination of facts, observations, cute-little short stories, and bias.  In this regard they aren't too different from every other article on the Internet.

What makes them similar is that both are targeting a profession and telling them that they shouldn't be employed.  Paul Graham's article tries to argue [a number of things, but primarily] that it is contrary to human nature if they are employed in a large company.  There are specific arguments that 'programmers' would benefit from founding a startup instead of working for a large company.  Adam Maxwell's article is telling the game industry that they shouldn't employ writers, but instead leave the writing responsibility to game designers.

The other way they are similar is that they both received a large amount of feedback within a short period of time.  Negative feedback.  To be honest, the moment I started reading Paul Graham's article I went and opened Writer to compose an article titled 'You are completely wrong: A rebuttal of You Weren't Meant to Have a Boss'.  Whereas, I finished reading Adam Maxwell's article and thought of posting a comment promoting anti-narrativism and/or ludology.

Still, it is the feedback that is interesting.  Adam Maxwell discovered that the easiest way of getting comments is by disparaging people who write for a living.  The ironic thing is that most of the responses are poorly written.  One comment even accuses the article as being based on a strawman argument.  Huh?

THE WHOLE INTERNET SETS UP THE STRAWMAN ARGUMENT!

If that isn't clear, let me repeat it without shouting: 103.7% of articles on the Internet set up a Straw Man Argument.  That doesn't even include the prevalent amount of ad hominem, equivocation, and existential fallacies one finds.  Preliminary estimations place the fallacy rate of the Internet at approximately 3.41 f/kw.*

The high fallacy rate is the primary reason that rational debate is impossible on the Internet.  At least in person you have more options since you can always beat up the opposition if their representatives happen to be weaker than you.  That lack of that luxury is probably the worst thing about the Internet.

If rational debate was possible, lordpi.com could provide argument for/against both aforementioned articles.  Instead of reading how the Internet is horribly flawed due to its lack of interpersonal, physical contact you, our dear readers, would instead be reading how every mortal person was meant to have a boss.  In fact, most immortal people also have a boss.  If you didn't have a boss then you'd be a god of some kind.  Is that what Paul Graham thinks?  That he's some sort of immortal, spiritual force that we should all revere, sacrifice rams to, and inundate with hot, sexy virgins?  We at lordpi.com don't know much about him, but, to be fair, who wouldn't want to be inundated with hot, sexy virgins?

Also, if rational debate was possible, then you, our dear readers, would be provided with a reasoned argument supporting certain aspects of Adam Maxwell's article and discarding the unnecessary points that he added that only confuse the issue.  The result would be hundreds of angry comments in response to this article.  And each would be filled with fallacies.

To summarize: yes, everyone else on the Internet is wrong because you want them to be.  Whatever narrow perspective of the world you grew up with (appeal to belief) or would best benefit your penis (wishful thinking) must be true.  If you don't have a male member at your disposal, I apologize.

* NOTE: lordpi.com would prefer if it was closer to pi, but there is no use arguing with scientific measurements**.
** NOTE: This does not and should not imply that at any point in time a scientific measurement has ever been made or attempted by lordpi.com.

The 'Legendary Map Pack' comes out soon (April 15th) for Halo 3.  The third map, 'Blackout', was just revealed to be a remake of the Halo 2 map Lockout.

Now, I love the Bungie guys as much as anyone, but I'm seeing a disturbing trend.  Most of the maps that they release are refreshes or remakes or inspirations from maps in their previous games.

In some ways it is like high concept films in Hollywood: it's "Spider-man 3" meets "Sleepless in Seattle" with Tom Cruise attached.  [English translation: I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I like money and I'll sleep with you to advance my career]

The problem isn't just the high concept nature of the recent Halo 3 Map Pack maps, but how many of them seem to be remakes of past maps.  It is one thing to remake 'Blood Gulch' with each release.  However, it was kind of odd that Halo 3 shipped with a remake of 'Zanzibar' from Halo 2 (along with a bunch of other 'inspired by' maps).  And now I'm worried that Bungie has started down a slope that is both slippery and sloped.

At their current rate, the next Map Pack for Halo 3 (assuming there is one) will contain a remake of an existing Halo 3 map:

The first map in the Iron Skull Map Pack for Halo 3 is 'Snowunbound.'  Snowunbound is a remake of 'Snowbound' from Halo 3 but with mancannons and a Forerunner theme.  [English translation: I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I like money and I'll sleep with you to advance my career]

You can see where this is going.  Soon there will be Map Packs for Halo 3 (assuming there are more) that contain remakes of Halo 3 maps that ship in the same Map Pack:

The third map in the Grunt Love Map Pack for Halo 3 is 'Dustblast.'  Dustblast is a remake of 'Dirtblast', the first map in the Grunt Love Map Pack for Halo 3, but with mancannons and a Forerunner theme.  [English translation: I once rode my bicycle to the mall and ate an Orange Julius.  Merry Christmas]

Of course, then it'll get really weird, and there will be a Map Pack for Halo 3 (assuming there is one) that contains a remake of a Halo 4 map (assuming there is a Halo 4) before the latter game comes out!

The second map in the Banshee vs Hornet Map Pack for Halo 3 is 'Gyrotime.'  Gyrotime is a remake of 'Laserspace' from the forthcoming Halo 4 game.  But without mancannons and a non-Forerunner theme.  [English translation: it's the normal version of the map]

Although, what will really blow everyone's mind is when they make a map in a future map pack (assuming there is one) that was the inspiration for a map that has already shipped in the original Halo game.

The first map in the Gravemind to the Max! Map Pack for Halo 3 is 'Boarding Mancannon'.  Boarding Mancannon is the inspiration for 'Boarding Action' that shipped in Halo: Combat Evolved six+ years ago.  But with mancannons and a Forerunner theme.  [English translation: GWAHahaaaaAaa]

In conclusion: I'm still going to download them all if I'm not too busy playing Grand Theft Auto IV's Xbox 360-exclusive downloadable content.

If you are reading this article, there is a good chance that you are trying to procrastinate.  At lordpi.com, our goal is to help our dear readers enjoy their precious vices without those troublesome feelings of guilt and regret.

Procrastination is often treated as a pejorative.  Which is unfortunate, since it is one of the Seven Writer Skills (NOTE: the capitalization is used to make that seem important.  I would have put a trademark emblem, but I'm too lazy to bother working with the USPTO to get a trademark on it.  Even if I did, it'd be expensive and then I'd have to defend it.  sigh)

The Seven Writer Skills are the various skills that a writer needs to use when they want to write something: procrastinate, dream, study, seduce, disguise, understand, and write.  In many ways they are similar to the Seven Deadly Sins and the Seven Heavenly Virtues -- since there are seven of them.  (Hello, Captain Obvious)  Another way in which they are similar is that they also have an archenemy: the Seven Enemies-of-Writers-Everywhere Obstacles.  Yes, it is a stupid name, but they hate writers so there isn't anyone who can write them a better one.

The Obstacles's are: bliss, love, time, the wall of unknowing, rational thought, women, and fear.  Most of which are the awesome things that make our continued existence possible.  Hrmm... maybe human society would be better off without evil writers and their irrational hatred of love/peace/women/walls.   As proof, look how much we are all presently enjoying a television schedule that consists of nothing but reality and game shows.  [NOTE: this joke makes more sense during a writer's strike]

Anyway, procrastination doesn't help if there is a pending deadline, but otherwise it is an important skill to have.  (see the majority of this article as evidence for/against the proceeding sentence)  Which leads to the question that I'm sure many dear readers are asking:

Dear lordpi.com,

I've managed to avoid all of those obstacles (I'm a time-traveling despot with a giant smarty-head; my brainwaves have disabled my fear glands [ed: there are no such things as fear glands and neither is there an editor] and project inaudible sounds that make women nauseous when in my presence), but I seem to spend all of my time making powerful, thought-provoking works that will change society for the better.  lordpi.com, can you help me?

WRITES TOO FREELY

To which the normal response would be:

WTF,

I hate you.  Please give me back my underwear.

lordpi.com

Rude?  Yes.  Drafty?  More so.

Anyway, if you have bothered to read this far then you must be incredibly bored.  Sorry.  As a reward, here's actual, helpful (!) advice that will let you correctly apply procrastination in order to make your life better:

1. Have something you need to do.  Let's call it Task Awesome.  It's helpful if there is a deadline for completing it.
2. Imagine how much better your life would be if you were to complete your task.
1. If your life won't actually be better (and your task won't make society better), then question why you really want to complete the task.  It might be better to forget about it and go out and get a slice of key lime pie.
3. Think of a nice reward you can give yourself upon the task's completion.  Key lime pie always works -- except when it doesn't.
4. Break down the task into small steps.  Or, at least, figure out what the next step is.
5. Is there anything you don't know about the task?  Add a step to research anything you don't know.
1. If you don't know how to research what you don't know, add a step to research how to research what you don't know.
1. If you don't know how to research the research you will need to do to research what you don't know... stop.  Ow.  My head hurts.
6. Are you blocked on anyone else?  Let them know, but be polite.  And don't leave thirty-seven messages on their voicemail -- that doesn't help.  She's not going to call you back.  Besides, it was only two dates, so you can't really be that obsessed with her.  No, her machine isn't broken and she got your message: if anyone didn't get the message it is you, buddy.
7. If you feel overwhelmed:
1. Take a moment to take a deep breath and relax.  Don't stress about it.  Either it will happen or it won't.  Life will go on if no one's life is at stake.
2. Chocolate covered unicorns.
8. Now, think of a different task that you really have to get started on.  Let's call it Task X.  Preferably something more important and more urgent.  It's overwhelming, isn't it?  Yet, you keep putting it off.  Every day you wake up, struggle to get out of bed, barely living morning-to-night, friendless and alone, and hating yourself.  It's easier to go back to sleep for a few minutes than look at yourself in the mirror.  It's probably an impossible task as well.  Only an idiot would keep thinking that it is possible, but you are too stupid to give up.  If you give up than you would be a failure and a loser, but if you keep putting it off than at least you are only an idiot and a loser.  This is where procrastination is your friend!  Rather than work towards completing Task X, you can use your procrastination to motivate you towards working on Task Awesome!

Wow, it's so easy, anyone can do it!  Don't forget to give a 'shout out' to lordpi.com when you procrastinate your way to finishing your Great American Novel!

There are a lot of things wrong with the world.  On one hand, it is bad that there are so many excesses and evils afflicting society.  On the other hand, it is a good thing because it keeps satirists employed.

A perfect world would be perfectly horrible.  Could you imagine what life would be like if your day went like the following:

• Wake up when you are supposed to and feel like getting out of bed.
• After a quick shower and change, you can wander into your mansion's kitchen and enjoy freshly prepared, cinnamon-swirl french toast.  With some orange juice and an espresso beverage of your liking.
• Satisfied, you get in your flying car and 'drive' to work.  With release.
• At work, you play video games with all of the best friends you had growing up.  That's your job.  I don't know how it works since I'm not a business major.
• The office, instead of a water cooler, has Dairy Milk fountains.
  
  • Dairy Milk would still have the same benefits that it does in our world (clears one's complexion, removes split-ends, and causes one's body to resemble that of an attractive super model of their same gender).
  • Also, there would be carrot juice, orange smoothies, and bubble tea for 'daring' individuals who didn't care about their complexion or figure or hair.
• After work you could either see a good movie (there wouldn't be any bad ones) or go to a video arcade (they would still be in business).  There would be no traffic and a plethora of free, convenient parking options.
• Everyone would have a weekly art quota.  If one failed to meet the quota they would be put to death in a painful and excruciating way.  This wouldn't apply to children under the age of sixteen.  You would have to set aside time, every evening, for painting or satire or poetry or interpretive dance or whatever -- things you put off today because the constitution doesn't properly force you to be a better person.
• Halo 3 would have the pistol from Halo: Combat Evolved.  And it would have perfect remakes of Chill Out, Damnation, and the PC's version of Sidewinder.  It would be a great way to relax with your friends and loved ones after your evening's art -- since women would finally understand how dual-analog sticks work and have fun at the game.  With everyone in the world happy and content, your opponents would be friendly and considerate.  "Oy, sorry 'bout that ass-whoopin', g'venor."  "No worries, brah.  Have a pleasant evening reaming the next chump."  "G'day to you, too."
• You wouldn't have to brush your teeth, since cavities would be extinct and gingivitis would be illegal.  Everyone's eye-sight would be perfect, so there wouldn't be any need to take out contacts.  Makeup would instantly dissolve by thought.  As a result, there wouldn't be any need to use the bathroom before turning in for the night.  Also, your pets would have already fed/walked themselves and made sure that your dvr is properly set for the next day's television.
• Every night you would fall asleep in the company of the person that you love.  The sleep would occur immediately after your partner had sufficient cuddling.  And they wouldn't cheat on you with Steve (of all people) when you are at pottery class.  The only reason you were at the stupid class was to make her a present, anyway.
• Your parents would have taken responsibility for raising you properly, so you wouldn't be messed up like you are now.  That means no more dealing with unfocused anger and stressing over your immense self-loathing, and shrinks would be extinct.  Having proper parenting would grant you the peaceful, lucid dreams that only rich people are privy to in our world.

Doesn't that sound horrible?  The world would probably die of liver disease from all of the saccharine.  That's why the machines had to recreate the world into the imperfect one we currently 'live' in.  Joy.

All satirist keep a list.  Santa also keeps a list.  Hrmm....

I hate to digress, but does anyone know why kept lists are referred to as 'laundry lists'?  When does anyone use a list when making laundry?  Any paper I leave in the washing machine gets ruined.  Maybe I'm doing something wrong?

Anyways, I haven't really made much progress against my list.  I thought of doing something with it for NaNoWriMo, but I didn't get as far as I would have liked.  I think it is because lists are so overwhelming.  There is so much to do, and -- like Twix bars -- it is hard to choose just one:

<excerpt>
9.  People who don't use turn signals
10. People who drive slowly in the left lane
11. Stores that close early
12. Patrons that show up right before close
</excerpt>

The point (does lordpi.com ever have one?) is that it's good to make a list, but it is better to make progress.  Unlike clocks, stopped lists aren't going to be correct 1-3 times a day.*  Let's make the world a better place by working on the contents of our lists.  But don't go overboard -- we don't want to make it too good of a place: it would obviate the need for satire.

Without satire I would probably have to write about video game programming or something similarly productive/useful.  Ugh.

* It is a common misconception that a stopped clock shows the correct time twice a day.  However, this doesn't account for clocks that are displaying military time or for clocks that are showing a time during daylight savings changes.

In my previous Video Game Recipe post, I described the secret recipe to making a video game.  It was kind of weird.

Basically, it broke down to: a video game only requires one good game mechanic, some sound, and some art.  It left out a lot, and had a bunch of mixing/baking steps.  I challenged our dear readers to try and figure out what was meant by the analogy.

Here is what I thought it meant:

1. 1 good game mechanic: if you don't have a game mechanic to build around, there won't be much of a video game.  So stop right now and go back to trolling forums on the Internet.
2. 12oz Sound FX and 1 can Art and Animations: sound and graphics help immerse the player.  They aren't as important as gameplay, but they are the tools you will use to communicate with your player(s).  Well, you can also communicate through rumble, if the input device is advanced enough to support it.
3. 2 large eggs: this was a bad joke.  I would have used a better one, but I'm lacking in wit.  However, good game mechanics are hard to recognize, so don't be surprised if you add three eggs.
4. Zero story: story has nothing to do with games as previously asserted in other articles on this site.  I'm sorry if you believe otherwise.
5. Zero characters/setting: not all games have/need characters or a setting.  Feel free to season the dish with them if you aren't making a 'Match 3' clone.
6. Zero controls: I believe controls are a fundamental part of the game mechanics -- input shouldn't be thought of as a separate component.
7. Zero programming and game engines: Writing machine instructions in an esoteric language has nothing to do with making a video game.  This doesn't mean that a video game can be made without it: this is your mixing bowl, nothing more.
8. Zero testing: testing (or sometimes referred to as Quality Assurance) is essential for a good video game.  It's not an ingredient, but the oven.  The heat (and time) help eliminate the harmful bacteria (aka bugs) that occur naturally in uncooked products.
9. Other game mechanics: it's important to have multiple, simultaneous game mechanics for modern video games to be interesting to most consumers.  I recommend adding other mechanics, as long as they don't sour the core mechanic.  But it's okay if you don't.  I'll understand.

How well did you do?  Score one point for each of the above that you guessed correctly.

If you got 0-2: you are a bloody narrativist.  Go back to your strike or write a book or something.

If you got 3-6: you are an intelligent individual.  I'm quite surprised someone could get this many, with how bad the analogy was.  As long as you didn't get #4 wrong, feel free to work in the video game industry.

If you got 7-9: you are a cheater.  There isn't any other way you could get that many correct.  However, if you didn't cheat (yeah, right) I probably should offer you some sort of prize.  How about 'GOOD JOB'?

If you got 10+: you are a huge cheater.  The game only went to nine, so I'm not sure what you are thinking by claiming this score.  Please stop playing video games until you gain some maturity, since you are obviously a griefer and probably communicate solely through swear words.  And you wonder why it is that your mother has to drink so much every night?

Video games aren't simple things to make.  Since it is 'holiday time' when I write this, I'll share with y'all the secret recipe.

Video Game
Serves 1 - 10,000,000
Ingredients:
1 good game mechanic
12oz Sound FX
30oz (1 can) Art and Animations
2 large eggs

Preheat oven to 350.  Pour game mechanic into a large mixing bowl.  Add both eggs and beat until finely pureed.  Slowly mix in art until game is doughy and brown.  Put in oven and bake for two hours.  Let it cool 1-2 hours on the rack.  Sprinkle on sound and serve.

At no point did I mention coding/programming, a game engine, story, characters, or controls.  I also only mentioned a single game mechanic.  And eggs?  WTF?!?  The reason is that those things aren't actually important when making a video game.

In my next post I'll explain how the recipe makes sense.  But can you figure it out own your own?

Gaming isn't as simple as it used to be:

Games can be played in a variety of ways.  There are board, video, computer, miniature-based, pen-and-paper, card, arcade machine, table-based, physical, online, device-based, handheld, and verbal games. 

There are games that are played competitively (e.g. Football, Baseball, Poker, Counter-Strike, etc).  Games that are used for education (i.e. 'Serious Games').  There are many branches of academia that involve the studying of games: Ludology, Game Development (accredited Universities currently offer degrees in the Programming, Art, and Design specialities), and Behavioral Psychology (specifically Game Theory).

There are museum exhibitions of game, art from games, and art inspired by games.  Their are tours of performers who have been inspired by game music, perform covers of the music in games, and who have achieved recognition from their contribution to games.

Most large-budget movies are accompanied by the release of a related video game.  Gaming merchandise is quite popular.  Most of the popular web-comics are related to games (either about the industry or use images based off of older games).  There are numerous gaming conventions, magazines, organizations, books, and websites.  Many stores sell games and their accessories -- some specialize in specific games.

Colossal stadiums have been built, at a great cost, to provide exhibition of games.  A large amount of television is centered around these, and other gaming exhibitions (traditional game shows -- Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Let's Make a Deal; sports -- Monday Night Football, World Series of Poker, NASCAR; video -- Starcraft competitions in Korea, G4 TV; reality TV -- Survivor, The Apprentice, America's Next Top Model).  In fact, there are a number of television channels entirely devoted to gaming.

Many aspects of modern society are built around rewarding people for gaming -- office politics, courtship rituals, school-based education, financial investment.  Unlike other forms of gaming:

1. The rules aren't formally documented anywhere, and aren't even well understood.
2. No organization is responsible for the creation of these kind of games; the games continue without any outside intervention.
3. There is a minimum effort that society expects a person to devote to each of these games, but there are moral implications if a person tries too hard.
4. A large number of players aren't consciously aware of their participation.  Those that are aware generally dislike it.  Those that like it have likely gone too far -- seeing as how these games are generally win-lose.

Game production is a big business.  The video game industry is always bragging about its yearly revenue, and many of the publishers are publicly traded.  Who hasn't owned a Monopoly board?  And we've already talked about gaming in television.

Game competition is a big business.  Athletes are some of the most highly-paid members of society.  And they all have agents, managers, and/or trainers.  The organizations that run games are often large businesses in their own right.  Many secondary industries have developed around the production of athletic equipment.  Game broadcasting, analysis, and color-commentary are well-regarded professions.  Cities compete for the right to host gaming events -- the Olympic Games being the most prominent, but professional teams are often the object of desire.  (e.g. Do they even have Cardinals in Arizona?)

***

So what does gaming really mean?  Most people, when writing about it in relation to 'Citizen Kane', are specifically interested in games that a participant plays on a computer, a video-based arcade machine, a handheld device that features a video-capable screen, or a device connected to a television.  (Hereafter, this set of games shall be referred to as 'video games.')  Other forms of games can't contribute to the artform of gaming, it seems.

As a result, this series of articles should be thought of as "[Video] Gaming's Citizen Kane."

***

Yet, a ludologist would argue that 'to game' is a subset of 'to play.'  Both are rule-based activities -- even if the rules are abstract/arbitrary/not-well-understood.  The primary distinction of a 'to game' over a 'to play' is that the game has one (or more) rules that result in it ending.  A 'to play' experience does not have an end built in -- it ends when the participants stop participating.  Many of the above game examples might really belong under 'to play', but I didn't think it was a necessary distinction to start with.

As a result, this series of articles should be thought of as "[Video 'to play']'s Citizen Kane."

***

However, as mentioned in the first part of this series, The Birth of a Nation is generally credited as the beginning of film-as-art.

As a result, this series of articles should be thought of as "[Video 'to play's The Birth of a Nation]."

But we still call the series of articles "Gaming's Citizen Kane", for short. :)

***

Articles in this series:
Gaming's Citizen Kane Part 1 -- In which we debunk the meaning behind 'Citizen Kane'
Gaming's Citizen Kane Part 2 -- In which we debunk the meaning behind 'Gaming' << You are here

http://www.insertcredit.com/features/kane/ and also http://gamasutra.com/features/20070316/ochalla_01.shtml

Another month, another story (or two) lamenting the absence of a Citizen Kane of video-games.  I had written the following two (and a half) years ago, but it seems I failed to post it:

Why is everyone so obsessed with Citizen Kane?  Don't get me wrong: it is an awesome movie (thanks Cinema school) and it is generally considered to be the *greatest movie evah!!1!* 

My annoyance comes from a few blog posts that have popped up after GDC [ed: GDC 2005].  They're mostly lamenting the fact that gaming has not had a seminal moment that compares to Citizen Kane.  To this I say: WTF?!?

The movie that is normally credited with that is The Birth of a Nation (1915).  Citizen Kane didn't even win the Best Picture Oscar the year it was released (that honor went to How Green Was My Valley).  It really didn't start getting its acclaim until many years later.  Citizen Kane can be credited with bringing together a bunch of film techniques (some not known before) and having a great story (it won an Oscar for that, at least).  As much as it pains me to use the word, Citizen Kane was a highly innovative film.

What does this mean for games?  Maybe it has already had its 'Citizen Kane moment' and we won't recognize it for a few years.  One could argue that games like Half-Life 1/2, Grand Theft Auto 3+, and Halo 1/2 all have been similarly 'innovative' games.

(re: Grand Text Auto » Prayers For Kane AND Kotaku >> Will Gaming Have a Citizen Kane Moment?)

Golly, huh?

When growing up, no one thinks about jobs or careers.  Men don't think about marriage or children... other than an occasional "you're joking, right?"  Car insurance?  Being able to legally rent a car?  Running for state senate?  Nope.

Children think about celebrities they'd want to be, power they'd like to abuse, and people they'd like to hang out with.  The whom is more important than the what.  Geography is also an important influence.  For instance, if you grew up in Chicago, your top three list would be:

1. Michael Jordan
2. Duly-Elected President of the United States of America
3. Big-time, Hollywood Movie Director

If you are from another city, you might have a different basketball player (or maybe a rock star?) in the #1 position, but otherwise your list should be the same.**

Now what do those three jobs all have in common?  POWER?  SEX?  MONEY?  DRUGS?  FAME?  Nope, it's that a key responsibility is rebounding.  That's right, most children want to break the boards and get the rock for their team.  There's no 'I' in 'team.'  Give me ten laps before you hit the showers.

Okay, the previous paragraph was kinda weird.  Sorry.  My main point was that Hollywood has taken over the nation's subconscious.  Everyone might say that they want to be an actor, work on special effects, create fantastical costumes, be in charge of cinematography, rig lights, be the Best Boy, or write a million-dollar screenplay.  But if you ask any of those people, they'd reply, "and what I really want to do is direct."  The director is the most important person on a film set.  Ever wonder why a film opens with 'A Film By <DIRECTOR'S NAME>'?  It's because the director is considered the auteur of the film.  It's their vision on screen -- if the film is good, then the director is a genius and will rightfully receive all of the adoration.  If the film is horrible, then it's probably the fault of the producers or the studio -- they changed the film so that it is different than the director intended.

There's a new reality show called "On the Lot" that just started airing on Fox.  The show has some big credentials (produced by Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett), two permanent judges whose names are recognizable (Carrie Fisher and Gary Marshall), and a rotating guest judge (normally A/B-list, but, regardless of resume, their ability to judge cinematography seems competent).  There is a website (thelot.com) that has video clips, message boards, weekly contents, and a decent community.

The goal of the show is to go from fifty contestants (most were cut in the first and second show) to The One.  A prize of 'one million-dollar development deal with Dreamworks' awaits the winner.  The challenges keep changing, but the majority of them have been 'make a movie in X genre, of Y length, given Z time to create the film (concept to cut)'.

The problem?  Irony.  "On the Lot" is about finding a film director, but the show is lacking a director.  Every week the format is different.  It started off as a glimpse 'behind the curtain.'  We'd see people feuding, dreaming, creating, and responding to criticism.  Then -- suddenly -- there was a completely different show in the "On the Lot" timeslot.  The new show had the same name, the same people, and the same goal, but it was different in every way.  It was American Idol, but with short films.  They even tried to stretch it to two shows -- heighten the tension of not knowing the 'public vote results.'  Ratings dropped and the show barely survived.

The recent alterations are paring it back down to something interesting, but it's not the same show.  It's still focused on spectacle.  The judges are powerless under the 'American Idol' format -- their feedback is meaningless if the 'voting public' chooses to ignore it.  To be fair, the judge's criticism doesn't come across as useful, so maybe they needed to change the format as a result.  The criticism is rarely constructive, the three judges all say the same thing when asked their opinion, and their most common complaint is that they fail to understand something that is obvious to the audience.

The judges should each choose a different aspect of directing and limit their critique to constructive comments related to their assigned aspect:

1. the direction of the actors
2. the cinematography employed (and the editing thereof)
3. the use of plot/theme/motifs/effects to convey their assignment

Similarly, the current show format (presentation of films in a theatre with short 'making of' featurettes proceeding the films) makes for better spectacle, but it doesn't help the audience grow as filmmakers.  As a filmmaker, I (and most of the community on their website) found the initial episodes more compelling -- they were a window into the creative process.  However, that window is currently closed and has the blinds drawn. 

At the least, it'd be nice if the films weren't proceeded by spoilers.  The little 'making of' featurettes they show before each film should be placed after the film.  Does anyone watch the deleted scenes or listen to the commentary on a DVD before they've seen the film?

I apologize if my criticism of the show is boring.  No one wants to read a blog filled with a person's personal ranting.  Unless that person is Kiera Knightley.  And she's only given a free pass because she is so amazingly hot.

To summarize: lets make a movie together.  Send in your resumes and headshots.  Especially if you're Kiera Knightley or Scarlett Johanson.  We'll show them the power of the Internet!

* If you were thinking that this was about the invention of pick-up baseball games, then you were mistaken.  Go to your educators and demand a refund.

** There are a few other acceptable entries: 'sex-ed teacher for deaf+mutes', 'viking prince', and 'an astronaut'.  If you entered 'a roadie for a boy band' OR 'Paris Hilton' don't be alarmed!!  Take a deep breath and relax.  We're going to get you help.****

*** Until a male reaches adulthood (generally, in their late 30's), they aren't able to comprehend that other people have feelings.  Women, in particular, are expected to be simple receptacles for a man's feelings, and are held in contempt if they ask for anything in return.

**** NOTE: help not included.

or You Can't Go Home Again

The other day I was in my local supermarket, and decided to buy some chewing gum.  I haven't had gum in a long time, and I really wanted to chew on something.  Something soft that wouldn't contribute many calories.  Which meant that I had the short list of:

1. spinach

2. chewing gum

Through a man's eyes, that list is the same as:

1. chewing gum

There I was, in the candy aisle, looking at my available options:

1. Something with 'invert sugar'.  I'm not sure what that is, but it probably has to do with anti-matter.  I read [in a comic book] that anti-matter-sugar, when added to sugar, causes a nuclear fission.  Best to be avoided.

2. Fifty different pieces of gum advertised as 'sugarless gum'.  These all had artificial sugars that may be more harmful to a person than real sugar.  We'll know more in fifty years if anyone who's had it is still alive.

3. Ten different pieces of gum (Juicy Fruit, Big Red, etc), that I know I had before the advent of 'sugarless gum', that weren't advertised as sugarless, and contained artificial sweeteners.  I think a little kitten died somewhere when I read the ingredient label.  Those were the only kinds of gum I used to eat, but now they're under a new formula?  New Juicy.  Where is Juicy Fruit Classic?

4. Two weird 'Bubbalicious' flavors with actual sugar.

Now I can think of a couple of reasons behind the change:

1. Dentists -- they enjoy causing harm/suffering in others.  And/or something about sugar being bad for one's teeth, but that reason is very unlikely -- if it was true, then they'd be losing business by removing sugar.

2. Fake Sugar Companies -- they get money when people use their artificial sugar.

3. Americans -- unable to control one's diet, the average American approaches self-image with the 3 B's: blaming others for one's problems, being a jerk by trying to destroy another's happiness, and -- if all else fails -- bulimia.

4. Cost -- it's cheaper to reuse the same batter for everything.  It seems that there are only two companies making the seventy flavors of chewing gum, so this becomes a likely reason. 

To make a long story short, I feel like 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper's character in "John Carpenter's They Live": I'm all out of bubblegum.

I know that there are 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books, but are there 'Choose Your Own Romance' books?

You are a plain woman with long, curly hair.  You keep finding yourself in compromising situations, though.  During your lunch break, Joe asks if you'd like to accompany him to a sporting exhibition.  Joe's a sweetheart, and you're really close, but there's something missing.  Lacking any other plans, you agree to go -- as a friend.  However, when you stop by the gym, after work, you notice Charles, the jerk who never called you back.  Suddenly, there is eye-contact, and you feel uncomfortable.  You try to walk away.  "Sally, wait," he says, catching up to you.  He explains how his phone died and he didn't have your number elsewhere.  He wants to see you tonight.  If you decide to break off your plans with Joe, turn to page 16.  If you decide to give Joe a raincheck, go to the sporting exhibition, and then sleep with Joe (in a misbegotten, passive-aggressive attack on Charles), turn to page 69.  If you decide to continue with the blog article, turn to the next paragraph.

You hesitate, flustered.  Charles, sensing your fluctuating heart, grabs you by the shoulders and pulls you in.  As your lips meet, you feel yourself melting in his arms.  Suddenly there is a flurry of blood and glass as a meteorite impacts the gym.  Charles dies instantly, but you aren't so lucky.  It takes a while for the rescue workers get to you.  By that time, you've already lost a lot of blood.  Jim, a handsome paramedic, does his best to bandage and reassure you.  His presence is a temporary reprieve from the pain, and his deep voice does a lot to explain what happened.  "Don't worry, everything's going to be okay," are the last words you hear before slipping into "Survivor's Shock."  Months pass at the hospital with no signs of brain function.  Janice, your younger sister, has the power of attorney.  She's scared and confused -- you left no living will.  If Janice should decide to pull the plug, turn to page 15.  If Janice should decide to get 'the nasty on' with the cute doctor, turn to page 113.  If you decide that you really, really want to continue with the blog article, turn to the next paragraph.

Janice hesitates, flustered.  The cute doctor stops by.  He puts his hand on her shoulder, to reassure her, but Janice is sure she feels something more.  Suddenly there is a flurry of blood and glass as a meteorite impacts the hospital.  Unlike the last one, this one is really big and causes the extinction of the human race.  THE END.

Golly.  I think there's a lot of potential in that genre.  It'd be awesome to have a high-school girl dealing with a boyfriend whose always like 'I love you' and 'if you really love me, you'd prove it'.  Can you imagine the page when she gets pregnant?  Yeah, it'd be very wrong, but at the same time it'd be very emotionally powerful.

Jim, the star wide-receiver on the football team, has been avoiding you all week.  You're going to talk to him today, for sure.  Waiting in front of the gym doors, his teammates pass you.  Kevin doesn't respond well to your questioning.  "He's probably still practicing."  He snickers, though.  Jim is one of the last stragglers to show up.  "Not now, babe," he tells you.  "I've got to hit the showers." 

"It's always 'not now, babe' with you."  I'm not going to cry.  "We need to talk."

"What.  We talk.  I've got to go," he replies.  You physically block his path with his body.  "C'mon."

"I thought you loved me," you say -- your voice breaking.

His eyes are different than they were before that night.  There is hesitation in his voice, "I do love you, babe.  But I really have to go."  There is a pause.  "We can talk later.  Okay?"

If you decide to let him go, turn to page 18.  If you decide to blurt out how you're two weeks late, turn to page 34.

* * *

Of course, I'd also want to write where the reader could see the same situation from Jim's perspective.  That way, it could be used to help explore the differences between male and female minds.

Alas, another project for the 'todo' pile.

- - -

If you decide to find out how to read CYOA and why they are immoral, turn to 'Part 1'.
If you decide to flirt with the receptionist, turn to page 156.

Like most children, I spent a fair amount of time reading books.  In particular, I was quite fond of Choose Your Own Adventure books.  Looking back, I realize that they were called books, but were actually maze games.  They'd normally have a single, true ending and a bunch of dead-ends along the way.

The writing wasn't done by Nobel laureates.  And they were always very short.  I guess it's hard to keep branching out -- the more you branch out, the harder it is to back-track.  The more developed branches, the shorter each 'real' story would have to be.

When reading a CYOA, I'd keep fingers at all of the branches.  I'd want to know most everything that happened.  Breadth-First-Reading.  Most of the branches would end after a page or two -- there was normally only one real story, and that made it easier.  If there were too many outstanding branches [more than four in a direction], I'd have trouble backtracking correctly.  I'm not sure how y'all read them.  Maybe there is an easier way?

However, I realized -- recently -- that they're immoral.  They set unrealistic explanations on the way life works.  In real life, you only get to take one path.

In real life, you can 'start over,' but it's not the same thing.  You can take a new job, go back to school, break-up, get time-off for good behavior, and/or move to a new city.  However, you're always moving forward.  The past remains indelible.  No matter what actions you take, there aren't any finger-marked pages waiting for you.

I'm not trying to be an alarmist.  And I'm not advising indecision -- look at what happened to Hamlet.  (poor guy)  Just that CYOA books should be collected and burned for the good of mankind!  Wait, that's not it, either.  Let me backtrack a bit.

There is a certain reward for taking the wrong path in a CYOA -- when you see the 'THE END', it was time to go back to the last finger.  That's the primary problem with CYOA's -- that they are about figuring out what you're not supposed to do.  Which is a good thing -- real-life is spent in a similar pursuit.  However, in real-life, you can never go back to your finger-marks.

We really need a new kind of CYOA -- one that isn't a maze-game, but a 'serious' game.  A game in which you can't even go back.  It wouldn't be about dead-ends, but surviving.  What would that look like?

- - -

If you decide to find out what a 'serious' CYOA would look like, turn to 'Part 2'.
If you decide to attack the shark with a spear-gun, turn to page 136.

I'm currently sitting in a coffee shoppe in Los Angeles, trying to procrastinate.*  Sigh.  Glancing around, I noticed a couple of 'inspirational' quotes on the wall.  One of which is:

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"
The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Studio City, CA, circa 2007

It's a good question.

• Having regularly scheduled article/comic/video postings to lordpi.com.
• Some business idea that would make me a lot of money.
• Write the 'Great American Novel'.
• Have the most popular blog on the Internets.
• IN A WORLD, where evil fascists have unlocked the secrets of forbidden magic, Jack Stiletto (played by Lord Pi) is the ultimate ninja assassin.  Caught, in a spell that the fascists use to travel back in time, Stiletto is the only one who can protect the sexy Betsy Ross (played by Keira Knightley) and the Declaration of Independence from falling into the wrong hands.  If he fails, America -- no, the whole world -- is doomed!  Also starring: Academy Award winning actress Halle Berry, Owen Wilson as the wise-cracking Thomas Jefferson, and Bill Murray.  "Declaration of Ninja"  Time-traveling fascists are going to learn the hard way that they only have one right: the right to have their asses kicked!  Written by Lord Pi.  Directed by John Woo.  Produced by John Bruckheimer.

Nah, none of those came to mind.  Well, okay, they did as I started writing this article, but that was only me trying to think of things that the dear readers of lordpi.com would think of.

No, the first thing that came to mind was that I would: 'Go to girl X (where X is most likely Keira Knightley) and ask her to marry me.'  Then I thought about it a little more, and changed it to 'Marry and have eternal happiness with girl X' -- I mean, marriage shouldn't really be an end goal.  Of course, thinking about it a little more, I'd probably add in a bunch of other conditions to ensure that it wouldn't cause atomic monkeymen** from Mars to invade Southern Europe and whatnot.

Anyways, I thought of what else I'd want to do if I had prescience.  Here's the list:

• Make the world a better place.
• Understand the meaning of life.
• Probably something involving physical intimacy with members of the opposite sex (hey, I am a guy, after all).  Note: the plural is important.  (TODO before posting: remove the plural, but leave the note, since it might be funny/confusing)

Hrmm... I've got a screenplay*** to write, so I'm no longer interested in really finishing this article.  I'm not even sure where I was going with this.  Probably something about loving your fellow man (not in that way), or about believing yourself.****

So go out there and believe in loving yourself, man.  Or whatever.  I've got to finish the outline before June.

* At the time of this writing, but not at the time of posting, since I didn't have Internet access at the time.

** They generally fight with bioengineered, ceramic melee weapons, but prefer to use social-economic destabilization.

*** For scriptfrenzy.com  Anyone want to partner up with me on it?  The title isn't necessarily final: 'Ninja of Independence' might also work.  Also, bonus points if you got the subtle, inappropriate joke I worked into it.  I'm sorry that I'm such a bad person.

**** If it helps, this article was written in a non-linear fashion.  I got to the second list, went to edit the first list, and then came up with the movie idea.  So when I got back to the bottom I was like: whatever, I'll do what I want.  I'm sorry if I got your hopes up about having an actual insight into the universe.

So I've previously blogged about having had a weird fortune cookie.  Now I got one that is really wrong.

At least, I hope it's wrong:

I mean -- golly!  Maybe, out-of-context, it seemed innocent (they forgot to add the 'in bed' at the end).  But still...  That I'm about to get someone knocked up?

Although, I'm about to buy a bunch of Lotto tickets with those lucky numbers -- just in case it's correct.

* Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about a fortune cookie from thirty years ago that is now stale then you were mistaken.  Demand a refund!!!