It’s sad how much the presidential candidates (Senator Obama and Senator McCain) have been ignoring the most pressing issue of the election:

Plutoids

Let’s face it, the majority of the people eligible to vote don’t care about taxes, war, drugs, healthcare, sex scandals, abortion, capitol punishment, foreign policy, experience in office, filling supreme court seats, or any of the usual rigmarole that politicians debate.  These are all things that have no measurable effect on our day-to-day lives.  And with our feeble votes, they aren’t the sort of things we have any ability to affect.

We should follow the advice of recovering alcoholics: ‘I don’t remember, I was drunk’.  Well, that or the thing about only worrying about what we can actually affect.

Which brings me back to the real issue of plutoids.  Now, dear reader, I’m sure that both of you are wondering why plutoids are important.  Plutoids mean that everything you were ever taught [in school] was actually a lie.

No, this isn’t about the wishy-washy astronomers and their ‘it’s a planet’, ‘no its not’, ‘its a dwarf planet’, ‘its a plutoid’, ‘plutoids are dwarf planets if they somewhat resemble pluto’, ‘i like cheese’.  And the eternally debated: ”If a ‘dwarf planet’ falls into a black hole, does it make a sound?“ And whether it is more politically correct to refer to dwarf planets as ‘little planets’.  It’s so confusing sometimes.  How do we know that ‘dwarf planets’ are really small and its not that the other planets are too big?  I mean, we refer to some of them as ‘gas giants’.  Although, I’ve heard that term can also be used to describe long-term WoW addicts.

Also, there isn’t really a problem with the invention of the term ‘plutoid’.  The wordovation space is still a nascent industry and that means there are still a lot of syllables to go around [NOTE: lordpi.com is a leading wordovator, having just invented the word ‘wordovator’ and the concept of ‘wordovation’].

The problem is that America is a democracy, and we’re proud of it.  It works.  Sure, the economy might spin out of control, there might be an oil crisis [or two], mortgages might all default, the cost of bananas might rise to $.89/lbs, ‘American Idol’ might be the number one television show of all time, and violence and sex in video games is considered teh worst thing evah.  But it’s better than any of the other systems of government out there.  The two best things about American democracy is that we get free elections – which help in determining our overlords -- and that there are multiple, interlocking branches of government – a design which helps prevent anyone from having too much power.  If there wasn’t a legislative branch, the President would just declare every day ‘Wear Cheese as a Hat Day’ and demand a tithe of beautiful young ladies.  Luckily, for those of us who prefer our heads to be cheese-less and our comely, young ladies to be non-sacrificed, we have a legislative branch that might decide to impeach the President if he ever went that far.

Compare this with astronomy.  There isn’t a system of checks and balances in the ‘scientific’ world of astronomers.  They can do whatever they want, wherever they want, and there isn’t anyone who can do anything to oppose them.  Do you even know who your astronomical representative is?  When was the last time that you even had an opportunity to vote?  Were there any Plutians represented on the astronomer’s high council?  What’s to stop them from putting cheese on every planet’s head?  And what horrible plans do they have for our womenfolk?

This is why we need legislative oversight!  We need a President who will make the skies safe for democracy!  Every sentence in this paragraph has to end with an exclamation mark!  Or two!!!

Imagine if this is allowed to continue…  What happens when they decide that moonless planets aren’t planets, but mercuroids?  And then they decide that bodies like hema need to be –oided?  AND WHAT OF THE MOON?  ISN’T IT MADE OF GREEN CHEESE?  WHAT KIND OF SICK VIRGIN-SACRIFICING PLANS DO THEY HAVE FOR IT?!?!?!

It’s not too late.  We can still stop them.  We can still bring JUSTICE and DEMOCRACY to the ‘so called Scientific Community of Astronomy.’  Don’t let the terrarists win.

Get involved:

Ask Barack Obama what he will do about the planetary problem.*

Ask Cynthia McKinney what she will do about the planetary problem.*

Ask John McCain what he will do about the planetary problem.*

* NOTE: Don’t actually contact any of them.  The astronomers have ‘friends’ in high ‘places’ and they might turn you into a plutoid.  That, and you’d probably… Forget it.  I’m going to get some cheese pizza and wallow in it.

Two interesting articles appeared on the Internet recently:

Paul Graham's You Weren't Meant to Have a Boss and Adam Maxwell's Opinion: The Case Against Writers In The Game Industry.

Both are interesting opinion pieces.  They are comprised of a combination of facts, observations, cute-little short stories, and bias.  In this regard they aren't too different from every other article on the Internet.

What makes them similar is that both are targeting a profession and telling them that they shouldn't be employed.  Paul Graham's article tries to argue [a number of things, but primarily] that it is contrary to human nature if they are employed in a large company.  There are specific arguments that 'programmers' would benefit from founding a startup instead of working for a large company.  Adam Maxwell's article is telling the game industry that they shouldn't employ writers, but instead leave the writing responsibility to game designers.

The other way they are similar is that they both received a large amount of feedback within a short period of time.  Negative feedback.  To be honest, the moment I started reading Paul Graham's article I went and opened Writer to compose an article titled 'You are completely wrong: A rebuttal of You Weren't Meant to Have a Boss'.  Whereas, I finished reading Adam Maxwell's article and thought of posting a comment promoting anti-narrativism and/or ludology.

Still, it is the feedback that is interesting.  Adam Maxwell discovered that the easiest way of getting comments is by disparaging people who write for a living.  The ironic thing is that most of the responses are poorly written.  One comment even accuses the article as being based on a strawman argument.  Huh?

THE WHOLE INTERNET SETS UP THE STRAWMAN ARGUMENT!

If that isn't clear, let me repeat it without shouting: 103.7% of articles on the Internet set up a Straw Man Argument.  That doesn't even include the prevalent amount of ad hominem, equivocation, and existential fallacies one finds.  Preliminary estimations place the fallacy rate of the Internet at approximately 3.41 f/kw.*

The high fallacy rate is the primary reason that rational debate is impossible on the Internet.  At least in person you have more options since you can always beat up the opposition if their representatives happen to be weaker than you.  That lack of that luxury is probably the worst thing about the Internet.

If rational debate was possible, lordpi.com could provide argument for/against both aforementioned articles.  Instead of reading how the Internet is horribly flawed due to its lack of interpersonal, physical contact you, our dear readers, would instead be reading how every mortal person was meant to have a boss.  In fact, most immortal people also have a boss.  If you didn't have a boss then you'd be a god of some kind.  Is that what Paul Graham thinks?  That he's some sort of immortal, spiritual force that we should all revere, sacrifice rams to, and inundate with hot, sexy virgins?  We at lordpi.com don't know much about him, but, to be fair, who wouldn't want to be inundated with hot, sexy virgins?

Also, if rational debate was possible, then you, our dear readers, would be provided with a reasoned argument supporting certain aspects of Adam Maxwell's article and discarding the unnecessary points that he added that only confuse the issue.  The result would be hundreds of angry comments in response to this article.  And each would be filled with fallacies.

To summarize: yes, everyone else on the Internet is wrong because you want them to be.  Whatever narrow perspective of the world you grew up with (appeal to belief) or would best benefit your penis (wishful thinking) must be true.  If you don't have a male member at your disposal, I apologize.

* NOTE: lordpi.com would prefer if it was closer to pi, but there is no use arguing with scientific measurements**.
** NOTE: This does not and should not imply that at any point in time a scientific measurement has ever been made or attempted by lordpi.com.

The 'Legendary Map Pack' comes out soon (April 15th) for Halo 3.  The third map, 'Blackout', was just revealed to be a remake of the Halo 2 map Lockout.

Now, I love the Bungie guys as much as anyone, but I'm seeing a disturbing trend.  Most of the maps that they release are refreshes or remakes or inspirations from maps in their previous games.

In some ways it is like high concept films in Hollywood: it's "Spider-man 3" meets "Sleepless in Seattle" with Tom Cruise attached.  [English translation: I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I like money and I'll sleep with you to advance my career]

The problem isn't just the high concept nature of the recent Halo 3 Map Pack maps, but how many of them seem to be remakes of past maps.  It is one thing to remake 'Blood Gulch' with each release.  However, it was kind of odd that Halo 3 shipped with a remake of 'Zanzibar' from Halo 2 (along with a bunch of other 'inspired by' maps).  And now I'm worried that Bungie has started down a slope that is both slippery and sloped.

At their current rate, the next Map Pack for Halo 3 (assuming there is one) will contain a remake of an existing Halo 3 map:

The first map in the Iron Skull Map Pack for Halo 3 is 'Snowunbound.'  Snowunbound is a remake of 'Snowbound' from Halo 3 but with mancannons and a Forerunner theme.  [English translation: I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I like money and I'll sleep with you to advance my career]

You can see where this is going.  Soon there will be Map Packs for Halo 3 (assuming there are more) that contain remakes of Halo 3 maps that ship in the same Map Pack:

The third map in the Grunt Love Map Pack for Halo 3 is 'Dustblast.'  Dustblast is a remake of 'Dirtblast', the first map in the Grunt Love Map Pack for Halo 3, but with mancannons and a Forerunner theme.  [English translation: I once rode my bicycle to the mall and ate an Orange Julius.  Merry Christmas]

Of course, then it'll get really weird, and there will be a Map Pack for Halo 3 (assuming there is one) that contains a remake of a Halo 4 map (assuming there is a Halo 4) before the latter game comes out!

The second map in the Banshee vs Hornet Map Pack for Halo 3 is 'Gyrotime.'  Gyrotime is a remake of 'Laserspace' from the forthcoming Halo 4 game.  But without mancannons and a non-Forerunner theme.  [English translation: it's the normal version of the map]

Although, what will really blow everyone's mind is when they make a map in a future map pack (assuming there is one) that was the inspiration for a map that has already shipped in the original Halo game.

The first map in the Gravemind to the Max! Map Pack for Halo 3 is 'Boarding Mancannon'.  Boarding Mancannon is the inspiration for 'Boarding Action' that shipped in Halo: Combat Evolved six+ years ago.  But with mancannons and a Forerunner theme.  [English translation: GWAHahaaaaAaa]

In conclusion: I'm still going to download them all if I'm not too busy playing Grand Theft Auto IV's Xbox 360-exclusive downloadable content.

If you are reading this article, there is a good chance that you are trying to procrastinate.  At lordpi.com, our goal is to help our dear readers enjoy their precious vices without those troublesome feelings of guilt and regret.

Procrastination is often treated as a pejorative.  Which is unfortunate, since it is one of the Seven Writer Skills (NOTE: the capitalization is used to make that seem important.  I would have put a trademark emblem, but I'm too lazy to bother working with the USPTO to get a trademark on it.  Even if I did, it'd be expensive and then I'd have to defend it.  sigh)

The Seven Writer Skills are the various skills that a writer needs to use when they want to write something: procrastinate, dream, study, seduce, disguise, understand, and write.  In many ways they are similar to the Seven Deadly Sins and the Seven Heavenly Virtues -- since there are seven of them.  (Hello, Captain Obvious)  Another way in which they are similar is that they also have an archenemy: the Seven Enemies-of-Writers-Everywhere Obstacles.  Yes, it is a stupid name, but they hate writers so there isn't anyone who can write them a better one.

The Obstacles's are: bliss, love, time, the wall of unknowing, rational thought, women, and fear.  Most of which are the awesome things that make our continued existence possible.  Hrmm... maybe human society would be better off without evil writers and their irrational hatred of love/peace/women/walls.   As proof, look how much we are all presently enjoying a television schedule that consists of nothing but reality and game shows.  [NOTE: this joke makes more sense during a writer's strike]

Anyway, procrastination doesn't help if there is a pending deadline, but otherwise it is an important skill to have.  (see the majority of this article as evidence for/against the proceeding sentence)  Which leads to the question that I'm sure many dear readers are asking:

Dear lordpi.com,

I've managed to avoid all of those obstacles (I'm a time-traveling despot with a giant smarty-head; my brainwaves have disabled my fear glands [ed: there are no such things as fear glands and neither is there an editor] and project inaudible sounds that make women nauseous when in my presence), but I seem to spend all of my time making powerful, thought-provoking works that will change society for the better.  lordpi.com, can you help me?

WRITES TOO FREELY

To which the normal response would be:

WTF,

I hate you.  Please give me back my underwear.

lordpi.com

Rude?  Yes.  Drafty?  More so.

Anyway, if you have bothered to read this far then you must be incredibly bored.  Sorry.  As a reward, here's actual, helpful (!) advice that will let you correctly apply procrastination in order to make your life better:

1. Have something you need to do.  Let's call it Task Awesome.  It's helpful if there is a deadline for completing it.
2. Imagine how much better your life would be if you were to complete your task.
1. If your life won't actually be better (and your task won't make society better), then question why you really want to complete the task.  It might be better to forget about it and go out and get a slice of key lime pie.
3. Think of a nice reward you can give yourself upon the task's completion.  Key lime pie always works -- except when it doesn't.
4. Break down the task into small steps.  Or, at least, figure out what the next step is.
5. Is there anything you don't know about the task?  Add a step to research anything you don't know.
1. If you don't know how to research what you don't know, add a step to research how to research what you don't know.
1. If you don't know how to research the research you will need to do to research what you don't know... stop.  Ow.  My head hurts.
6. Are you blocked on anyone else?  Let them know, but be polite.  And don't leave thirty-seven messages on their voicemail -- that doesn't help.  She's not going to call you back.  Besides, it was only two dates, so you can't really be that obsessed with her.  No, her machine isn't broken and she got your message: if anyone didn't get the message it is you, buddy.
7. If you feel overwhelmed:
1. Take a moment to take a deep breath and relax.  Don't stress about it.  Either it will happen or it won't.  Life will go on if no one's life is at stake.
2. Chocolate covered unicorns.
8. Now, think of a different task that you really have to get started on.  Let's call it Task X.  Preferably something more important and more urgent.  It's overwhelming, isn't it?  Yet, you keep putting it off.  Every day you wake up, struggle to get out of bed, barely living morning-to-night, friendless and alone, and hating yourself.  It's easier to go back to sleep for a few minutes than look at yourself in the mirror.  It's probably an impossible task as well.  Only an idiot would keep thinking that it is possible, but you are too stupid to give up.  If you give up than you would be a failure and a loser, but if you keep putting it off than at least you are only an idiot and a loser.  This is where procrastination is your friend!  Rather than work towards completing Task X, you can use your procrastination to motivate you towards working on Task Awesome!

Wow, it's so easy, anyone can do it!  Don't forget to give a 'shout out' to lordpi.com when you procrastinate your way to finishing your Great American Novel!

There are a lot of things wrong with the world.  On one hand, it is bad that there are so many excesses and evils afflicting society.  On the other hand, it is a good thing because it keeps satirists employed.

A perfect world would be perfectly horrible.  Could you imagine what life would be like if your day went like the following:

• Wake up when you are supposed to and feel like getting out of bed.
• After a quick shower and change, you can wander into your mansion's kitchen and enjoy freshly prepared, cinnamon-swirl french toast.  With some orange juice and an espresso beverage of your liking.
• Satisfied, you get in your flying car and 'drive' to work.  With release.
• At work, you play video games with all of the best friends you had growing up.  That's your job.  I don't know how it works since I'm not a business major.
• The office, instead of a water cooler, has Dairy Milk fountains.
  
  • Dairy Milk would still have the same benefits that it does in our world (clears one's complexion, removes split-ends, and causes one's body to resemble that of an attractive super model of their same gender).
  • Also, there would be carrot juice, orange smoothies, and bubble tea for 'daring' individuals who didn't care about their complexion or figure or hair.
• After work you could either see a good movie (there wouldn't be any bad ones) or go to a video arcade (they would still be in business).  There would be no traffic and a plethora of free, convenient parking options.
• Everyone would have a weekly art quota.  If one failed to meet the quota they would be put to death in a painful and excruciating way.  This wouldn't apply to children under the age of sixteen.  You would have to set aside time, every evening, for painting or satire or poetry or interpretive dance or whatever -- things you put off today because the constitution doesn't properly force you to be a better person.
• Halo 3 would have the pistol from Halo: Combat Evolved.  And it would have perfect remakes of Chill Out, Damnation, and the PC's version of Sidewinder.  It would be a great way to relax with your friends and loved ones after your evening's art -- since women would finally understand how dual-analog sticks work and have fun at the game.  With everyone in the world happy and content, your opponents would be friendly and considerate.  "Oy, sorry 'bout that ass-whoopin', g'venor."  "No worries, brah.  Have a pleasant evening reaming the next chump."  "G'day to you, too."
• You wouldn't have to brush your teeth, since cavities would be extinct and gingivitis would be illegal.  Everyone's eye-sight would be perfect, so there wouldn't be any need to take out contacts.  Makeup would instantly dissolve by thought.  As a result, there wouldn't be any need to use the bathroom before turning in for the night.  Also, your pets would have already fed/walked themselves and made sure that your dvr is properly set for the next day's television.
• Every night you would fall asleep in the company of the person that you love.  The sleep would occur immediately after your partner had sufficient cuddling.  And they wouldn't cheat on you with Steve (of all people) when you are at pottery class.  The only reason you were at the stupid class was to make her a present, anyway.
• Your parents would have taken responsibility for raising you properly, so you wouldn't be messed up like you are now.  That means no more dealing with unfocused anger and stressing over your immense self-loathing, and shrinks would be extinct.  Having proper parenting would grant you the peaceful, lucid dreams that only rich people are privy to in our world.

Doesn't that sound horrible?  The world would probably die of liver disease from all of the saccharine.  That's why the machines had to recreate the world into the imperfect one we currently 'live' in.  Joy.

All satirist keep a list.  Santa also keeps a list.  Hrmm....

I hate to digress, but does anyone know why kept lists are referred to as 'laundry lists'?  When does anyone use a list when making laundry?  Any paper I leave in the washing machine gets ruined.  Maybe I'm doing something wrong?

Anyways, I haven't really made much progress against my list.  I thought of doing something with it for NaNoWriMo, but I didn't get as far as I would have liked.  I think it is because lists are so overwhelming.  There is so much to do, and -- like Twix bars -- it is hard to choose just one:

<excerpt>
9.  People who don't use turn signals
10. People who drive slowly in the left lane
11. Stores that close early
12. Patrons that show up right before close
</excerpt>

The point (does lordpi.com ever have one?) is that it's good to make a list, but it is better to make progress.  Unlike clocks, stopped lists aren't going to be correct 1-3 times a day.*  Let's make the world a better place by working on the contents of our lists.  But don't go overboard -- we don't want to make it too good of a place: it would obviate the need for satire.

Without satire I would probably have to write about video game programming or something similarly productive/useful.  Ugh.

* It is a common misconception that a stopped clock shows the correct time twice a day.  However, this doesn't account for clocks that are displaying military time or for clocks that are showing a time during daylight savings changes.

In my previous Video Game Recipe post, I described the secret recipe to making a video game.  It was kind of weird.

Basically, it broke down to: a video game only requires one good game mechanic, some sound, and some art.  It left out a lot, and had a bunch of mixing/baking steps.  I challenged our dear readers to try and figure out what was meant by the analogy.

Here is what I thought it meant:

1. 1 good game mechanic: if you don't have a game mechanic to build around, there won't be much of a video game.  So stop right now and go back to trolling forums on the Internet.
2. 12oz Sound FX and 1 can Art and Animations: sound and graphics help immerse the player.  They aren't as important as gameplay, but they are the tools you will use to communicate with your player(s).  Well, you can also communicate through rumble, if the input device is advanced enough to support it.
3. 2 large eggs: this was a bad joke.  I would have used a better one, but I'm lacking in wit.  However, good game mechanics are hard to recognize, so don't be surprised if you add three eggs.
4. Zero story: story has nothing to do with games as previously asserted in other articles on this site.  I'm sorry if you believe otherwise.
5. Zero characters/setting: not all games have/need characters or a setting.  Feel free to season the dish with them if you aren't making a 'Match 3' clone.
6. Zero controls: I believe controls are a fundamental part of the game mechanics -- input shouldn't be thought of as a separate component.
7. Zero programming and game engines: Writing machine instructions in an esoteric language has nothing to do with making a video game.  This doesn't mean that a video game can be made without it: this is your mixing bowl, nothing more.
8. Zero testing: testing (or sometimes referred to as Quality Assurance) is essential for a good video game.  It's not an ingredient, but the oven.  The heat (and time) help eliminate the harmful bacteria (aka bugs) that occur naturally in uncooked products.
9. Other game mechanics: it's important to have multiple, simultaneous game mechanics for modern video games to be interesting to most consumers.  I recommend adding other mechanics, as long as they don't sour the core mechanic.  But it's okay if you don't.  I'll understand.

How well did you do?  Score one point for each of the above that you guessed correctly.

If you got 0-2: you are a bloody narrativist.  Go back to your strike or write a book or something.

If you got 3-6: you are an intelligent individual.  I'm quite surprised someone could get this many, with how bad the analogy was.  As long as you didn't get #4 wrong, feel free to work in the video game industry.

If you got 7-9: you are a cheater.  There isn't any other way you could get that many correct.  However, if you didn't cheat (yeah, right) I probably should offer you some sort of prize.  How about 'GOOD JOB'?

If you got 10+: you are a huge cheater.  The game only went to nine, so I'm not sure what you are thinking by claiming this score.  Please stop playing video games until you gain some maturity, since you are obviously a griefer and probably communicate solely through swear words.  And you wonder why it is that your mother has to drink so much every night?

Video games aren't simple things to make.  Since it is 'holiday time' when I write this, I'll share with y'all the secret recipe.

Video Game
Serves 1 - 10,000,000
Ingredients:
1 good game mechanic
12oz Sound FX
30oz (1 can) Art and Animations
2 large eggs

Preheat oven to 350.  Pour game mechanic into a large mixing bowl.  Add both eggs and beat until finely pureed.  Slowly mix in art until game is doughy and brown.  Put in oven and bake for two hours.  Let it cool 1-2 hours on the rack.  Sprinkle on sound and serve.

At no point did I mention coding/programming, a game engine, story, characters, or controls.  I also only mentioned a single game mechanic.  And eggs?  WTF?!?  The reason is that those things aren't actually important when making a video game.

In my next post I'll explain how the recipe makes sense.  But can you figure it out own your own?

Gaming isn't as simple as it used to be:

Games can be played in a variety of ways.  There are board, video, computer, miniature-based, pen-and-paper, card, arcade machine, table-based, physical, online, device-based, handheld, and verbal games. 

There are games that are played competitively (e.g. Football, Baseball, Poker, Counter-Strike, etc).  Games that are used for education (i.e. 'Serious Games').  There are many branches of academia that involve the studying of games: Ludology, Game Development (accredited Universities currently offer degrees in the Programming, Art, and Design specialities), and Behavioral Psychology (specifically Game Theory).

There are museum exhibitions of game, art from games, and art inspired by games.  Their are tours of performers who have been inspired by game music, perform covers of the music in games, and who have achieved recognition from their contribution to games.

Most large-budget movies are accompanied by the release of a related video game.  Gaming merchandise is quite popular.  Most of the popular web-comics are related to games (either about the industry or use images based off of older games).  There are numerous gaming conventions, magazines, organizations, books, and websites.  Many stores sell games and their accessories -- some specialize in specific games.

Colossal stadiums have been built, at a great cost, to provide exhibition of games.  A large amount of television is centered around these, and other gaming exhibitions (traditional game shows -- Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Let's Make a Deal; sports -- Monday Night Football, World Series of Poker, NASCAR; video -- Starcraft competitions in Korea, G4 TV; reality TV -- Survivor, The Apprentice, America's Next Top Model).  In fact, there are a number of television channels entirely devoted to gaming.

Many aspects of modern society are built around rewarding people for gaming -- office politics, courtship rituals, school-based education, financial investment.  Unlike other forms of gaming:

1. The rules aren't formally documented anywhere, and aren't even well understood.
2. No organization is responsible for the creation of these kind of games; the games continue without any outside intervention.
3. There is a minimum effort that society expects a person to devote to each of these games, but there are moral implications if a person tries too hard.
4. A large number of players aren't consciously aware of their participation.  Those that are aware generally dislike it.  Those that like it have likely gone too far -- seeing as how these games are generally win-lose.

Game production is a big business.  The video game industry is always bragging about its yearly revenue, and many of the publishers are publicly traded.  Who hasn't owned a Monopoly board?  And we've already talked about gaming in television.

Game competition is a big business.  Athletes are some of the most highly-paid members of society.  And they all have agents, managers, and/or trainers.  The organizations that run games are often large businesses in their own right.  Many secondary industries have developed around the production of athletic equipment.  Game broadcasting, analysis, and color-commentary are well-regarded professions.  Cities compete for the right to host gaming events -- the Olympic Games being the most prominent, but professional teams are often the object of desire.  (e.g. Do they even have Cardinals in Arizona?)

***

So what does gaming really mean?  Most people, when writing about it in relation to 'Citizen Kane', are specifically interested in games that a participant plays on a computer, a video-based arcade machine, a handheld device that features a video-capable screen, or a device connected to a television.  (Hereafter, this set of games shall be referred to as 'video games.')  Other forms of games can't contribute to the artform of gaming, it seems.

As a result, this series of articles should be thought of as "[Video] Gaming's Citizen Kane."

***

Yet, a ludologist would argue that 'to game' is a subset of 'to play.'  Both are rule-based activities -- even if the rules are abstract/arbitrary/not-well-understood.  The primary distinction of a 'to game' over a 'to play' is that the game has one (or more) rules that result in it ending.  A 'to play' experience does not have an end built in -- it ends when the participants stop participating.  Many of the above game examples might really belong under 'to play', but I didn't think it was a necessary distinction to start with.

As a result, this series of articles should be thought of as "[Video 'to play']'s Citizen Kane."

***

However, as mentioned in the first part of this series, The Birth of a Nation is generally credited as the beginning of film-as-art.

As a result, this series of articles should be thought of as "[Video 'to play's The Birth of a Nation]."

But we still call the series of articles "Gaming's Citizen Kane", for short. :)

***

Articles in this series:
Gaming's Citizen Kane Part 1 -- In which we debunk the meaning behind 'Citizen Kane'
Gaming's Citizen Kane Part 2 -- In which we debunk the meaning behind 'Gaming' << You are here

http://www.insertcredit.com/features/kane/ and also http://gamasutra.com/features/20070316/ochalla_01.shtml

Another month, another story (or two) lamenting the absence of a Citizen Kane of video-games.  I had written the following two (and a half) years ago, but it seems I failed to post it:

Why is everyone so obsessed with Citizen Kane?  Don't get me wrong: it is an awesome movie (thanks Cinema school) and it is generally considered to be the *greatest movie evah!!1!* 

My annoyance comes from a few blog posts that have popped up after GDC [ed: GDC 2005].  They're mostly lamenting the fact that gaming has not had a seminal moment that compares to Citizen Kane.  To this I say: WTF?!?

The movie that is normally credited with that is The Birth of a Nation (1915).  Citizen Kane didn't even win the Best Picture Oscar the year it was released (that honor went to How Green Was My Valley).  It really didn't start getting its acclaim until many years later.  Citizen Kane can be credited with bringing together a bunch of film techniques (some not known before) and having a great story (it won an Oscar for that, at least).  As much as it pains me to use the word, Citizen Kane was a highly innovative film.

What does this mean for games?  Maybe it has already had its 'Citizen Kane moment' and we won't recognize it for a few years.  One could argue that games like Half-Life 1/2, Grand Theft Auto 3+, and Halo 1/2 all have been similarly 'innovative' games.

(re: Grand Text Auto » Prayers For Kane AND Kotaku >> Will Gaming Have a Citizen Kane Moment?)

Golly, huh?

or You Can't Go Home Again

The other day I was in my local supermarket, and decided to buy some chewing gum.  I haven't had gum in a long time, and I really wanted to chew on something.  Something soft that wouldn't contribute many calories.  Which meant that I had the short list of:

1. spinach

2. chewing gum

Through a man's eyes, that list is the same as:

1. chewing gum

There I was, in the candy aisle, looking at my available options:

1. Something with 'invert sugar'.  I'm not sure what that is, but it probably has to do with anti-matter.  I read [in a comic book] that anti-matter-sugar, when added to sugar, causes a nuclear fission.  Best to be avoided.

2. Fifty different pieces of gum advertised as 'sugarless gum'.  These all had artificial sugars that may be more harmful to a person than real sugar.  We'll know more in fifty years if anyone who's had it is still alive.

3. Ten different pieces of gum (Juicy Fruit, Big Red, etc), that I know I had before the advent of 'sugarless gum', that weren't advertised as sugarless, and contained artificial sweeteners.  I think a little kitten died somewhere when I read the ingredient label.  Those were the only kinds of gum I used to eat, but now they're under a new formula?  New Juicy.  Where is Juicy Fruit Classic?

4. Two weird 'Bubbalicious' flavors with actual sugar.

Now I can think of a couple of reasons behind the change:

1. Dentists -- they enjoy causing harm/suffering in others.  And/or something about sugar being bad for one's teeth, but that reason is very unlikely -- if it was true, then they'd be losing business by removing sugar.

2. Fake Sugar Companies -- they get money when people use their artificial sugar.

3. Americans -- unable to control one's diet, the average American approaches self-image with the 3 B's: blaming others for one's problems, being a jerk by trying to destroy another's happiness, and -- if all else fails -- bulimia.

4. Cost -- it's cheaper to reuse the same batter for everything.  It seems that there are only two companies making the seventy flavors of chewing gum, so this becomes a likely reason. 

To make a long story short, I feel like 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper's character in "John Carpenter's They Live": I'm all out of bubblegum.

I know that there are 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books, but are there 'Choose Your Own Romance' books?

You are a plain woman with long, curly hair.  You keep finding yourself in compromising situations, though.  During your lunch break, Joe asks if you'd like to accompany him to a sporting exhibition.  Joe's a sweetheart, and you're really close, but there's something missing.  Lacking any other plans, you agree to go -- as a friend.  However, when you stop by the gym, after work, you notice Charles, the jerk who never called you back.  Suddenly, there is eye-contact, and you feel uncomfortable.  You try to walk away.  "Sally, wait," he says, catching up to you.  He explains how his phone died and he didn't have your number elsewhere.  He wants to see you tonight.  If you decide to break off your plans with Joe, turn to page 16.  If you decide to give Joe a raincheck, go to the sporting exhibition, and then sleep with Joe (in a misbegotten, passive-aggressive attack on Charles), turn to page 69.  If you decide to continue with the blog article, turn to the next paragraph.

You hesitate, flustered.  Charles, sensing your fluctuating heart, grabs you by the shoulders and pulls you in.  As your lips meet, you feel yourself melting in his arms.  Suddenly there is a flurry of blood and glass as a meteorite impacts the gym.  Charles dies instantly, but you aren't so lucky.  It takes a while for the rescue workers get to you.  By that time, you've already lost a lot of blood.  Jim, a handsome paramedic, does his best to bandage and reassure you.  His presence is a temporary reprieve from the pain, and his deep voice does a lot to explain what happened.  "Don't worry, everything's going to be okay," are the last words you hear before slipping into "Survivor's Shock."  Months pass at the hospital with no signs of brain function.  Janice, your younger sister, has the power of attorney.  She's scared and confused -- you left no living will.  If Janice should decide to pull the plug, turn to page 15.  If Janice should decide to get 'the nasty on' with the cute doctor, turn to page 113.  If you decide that you really, really want to continue with the blog article, turn to the next paragraph.

Janice hesitates, flustered.  The cute doctor stops by.  He puts his hand on her shoulder, to reassure her, but Janice is sure she feels something more.  Suddenly there is a flurry of blood and glass as a meteorite impacts the hospital.  Unlike the last one, this one is really big and causes the extinction of the human race.  THE END.

Golly.  I think there's a lot of potential in that genre.  It'd be awesome to have a high-school girl dealing with a boyfriend whose always like 'I love you' and 'if you really love me, you'd prove it'.  Can you imagine the page when she gets pregnant?  Yeah, it'd be very wrong, but at the same time it'd be very emotionally powerful.

Jim, the star wide-receiver on the football team, has been avoiding you all week.  You're going to talk to him today, for sure.  Waiting in front of the gym doors, his teammates pass you.  Kevin doesn't respond well to your questioning.  "He's probably still practicing."  He snickers, though.  Jim is one of the last stragglers to show up.  "Not now, babe," he tells you.  "I've got to hit the showers." 

"It's always 'not now, babe' with you."  I'm not going to cry.  "We need to talk."

"What.  We talk.  I've got to go," he replies.  You physically block his path with his body.  "C'mon."

"I thought you loved me," you say -- your voice breaking.

His eyes are different than they were before that night.  There is hesitation in his voice, "I do love you, babe.  But I really have to go."  There is a pause.  "We can talk later.  Okay?"

If you decide to let him go, turn to page 18.  If you decide to blurt out how you're two weeks late, turn to page 34.

* * *

Of course, I'd also want to write where the reader could see the same situation from Jim's perspective.  That way, it could be used to help explore the differences between male and female minds.

Alas, another project for the 'todo' pile.

- - -

If you decide to find out how to read CYOA and why they are immoral, turn to 'Part 1'.
If you decide to flirt with the receptionist, turn to page 156.

Like most children, I spent a fair amount of time reading books.  In particular, I was quite fond of Choose Your Own Adventure books.  Looking back, I realize that they were called books, but were actually maze games.  They'd normally have a single, true ending and a bunch of dead-ends along the way.

The writing wasn't done by Nobel laureates.  And they were always very short.  I guess it's hard to keep branching out -- the more you branch out, the harder it is to back-track.  The more developed branches, the shorter each 'real' story would have to be.

When reading a CYOA, I'd keep fingers at all of the branches.  I'd want to know most everything that happened.  Breadth-First-Reading.  Most of the branches would end after a page or two -- there was normally only one real story, and that made it easier.  If there were too many outstanding branches [more than four in a direction], I'd have trouble backtracking correctly.  I'm not sure how y'all read them.  Maybe there is an easier way?

However, I realized -- recently -- that they're immoral.  They set unrealistic explanations on the way life works.  In real life, you only get to take one path.

In real life, you can 'start over,' but it's not the same thing.  You can take a new job, go back to school, break-up, get time-off for good behavior, and/or move to a new city.  However, you're always moving forward.  The past remains indelible.  No matter what actions you take, there aren't any finger-marked pages waiting for you.

I'm not trying to be an alarmist.  And I'm not advising indecision -- look at what happened to Hamlet.  (poor guy)  Just that CYOA books should be collected and burned for the good of mankind!  Wait, that's not it, either.  Let me backtrack a bit.

There is a certain reward for taking the wrong path in a CYOA -- when you see the 'THE END', it was time to go back to the last finger.  That's the primary problem with CYOA's -- that they are about figuring out what you're not supposed to do.  Which is a good thing -- real-life is spent in a similar pursuit.  However, in real-life, you can never go back to your finger-marks.

We really need a new kind of CYOA -- one that isn't a maze-game, but a 'serious' game.  A game in which you can't even go back.  It wouldn't be about dead-ends, but surviving.  What would that look like?

- - -

If you decide to find out what a 'serious' CYOA would look like, turn to 'Part 2'.
If you decide to attack the shark with a spear-gun, turn to page 136.

I'm currently sitting in a coffee shoppe in Los Angeles, trying to procrastinate.*  Sigh.  Glancing around, I noticed a couple of 'inspirational' quotes on the wall.  One of which is:

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"
The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, Studio City, CA, circa 2007

It's a good question.

• Having regularly scheduled article/comic/video postings to lordpi.com.
• Some business idea that would make me a lot of money.
• Write the 'Great American Novel'.
• Have the most popular blog on the Internets.
• IN A WORLD, where evil fascists have unlocked the secrets of forbidden magic, Jack Stiletto (played by Lord Pi) is the ultimate ninja assassin.  Caught, in a spell that the fascists use to travel back in time, Stiletto is the only one who can protect the sexy Betsy Ross (played by Keira Knightley) and the Declaration of Independence from falling into the wrong hands.  If he fails, America -- no, the whole world -- is doomed!  Also starring: Academy Award winning actress Halle Berry, Owen Wilson as the wise-cracking Thomas Jefferson, and Bill Murray.  "Declaration of Ninja"  Time-traveling fascists are going to learn the hard way that they only have one right: the right to have their asses kicked!  Written by Lord Pi.  Directed by John Woo.  Produced by John Bruckheimer.

Nah, none of those came to mind.  Well, okay, they did as I started writing this article, but that was only me trying to think of things that the dear readers of lordpi.com would think of.

No, the first thing that came to mind was that I would: 'Go to girl X (where X is most likely Keira Knightley) and ask her to marry me.'  Then I thought about it a little more, and changed it to 'Marry and have eternal happiness with girl X' -- I mean, marriage shouldn't really be an end goal.  Of course, thinking about it a little more, I'd probably add in a bunch of other conditions to ensure that it wouldn't cause atomic monkeymen** from Mars to invade Southern Europe and whatnot.

Anyways, I thought of what else I'd want to do if I had prescience.  Here's the list:

• Make the world a better place.
• Understand the meaning of life.
• Probably something involving physical intimacy with members of the opposite sex (hey, I am a guy, after all).  Note: the plural is important.  (TODO before posting: remove the plural, but leave the note, since it might be funny/confusing)

Hrmm... I've got a screenplay*** to write, so I'm no longer interested in really finishing this article.  I'm not even sure where I was going with this.  Probably something about loving your fellow man (not in that way), or about believing yourself.****

So go out there and believe in loving yourself, man.  Or whatever.  I've got to finish the outline before June.

* At the time of this writing, but not at the time of posting, since I didn't have Internet access at the time.

** They generally fight with bioengineered, ceramic melee weapons, but prefer to use social-economic destabilization.

*** For scriptfrenzy.com  Anyone want to partner up with me on it?  The title isn't necessarily final: 'Ninja of Independence' might also work.  Also, bonus points if you got the subtle, inappropriate joke I worked into it.  I'm sorry that I'm such a bad person.

**** If it helps, this article was written in a non-linear fashion.  I got to the second list, went to edit the first list, and then came up with the movie idea.  So when I got back to the bottom I was like: whatever, I'll do what I want.  I'm sorry if I got your hopes up about having an actual insight into the universe.

There are two things that will never make sense, no matter how hard one tries. As rational, intelligent people, it'd be best if we could accept this and move on. Leave well-enough alone, and all that malarkey. (I like the word malarkey, but I'm not entirely positive about what it means)

1. Women

Let's face it, no one is ever going to figure them out. They just aren't. End of story! Game over, man! Game over!

It's not like women are 5D square -- this is the common assumption many people make. 5d squares are difficult to comprehend, but there are mathematical formulas that *might* explain them.

If you don't know what a 5D square is, then let me explain:

• There aren't 1D squares -- I think. Well, let's assume there aren't.
• A 2D square is a square. If you don't know what one is then stop reading and go take your medication.
• A 3D square is a cube. The best way of thinking about it is that each side of a 2d square becomes it's own square!
• A 4D square is a hypercube. No rational human being can hope to understand it without getting a headache, but the best way of thinking about it -- although you shouldn't try, I'm warning you, you're mind will fart -- is that it's a cube where each side is a cube. Ach!
• A 5D square is a ??!? I actually have no idea. I imagine it'd have to be a 4D square where each side is even more painful to think about.

Don't get me wrong, women are awesome. If it were up to me, I'd treat them like Pokemon.

If you don't know what a woman is, then let me explain:

• They are intelligent, sentient creatures that would be better off without us men.
• The have a number of special abilities:
  • Once a month they can bleed without dying.
  • Living creatures will grow inside them if they mess up and forget to take their pills.
  • They're beautiful to look at, but, like a museum, you shouldn't touch.
  • They smell nice.
• Keira Knightley is their leader.

Women are awesome, but they aren't NP-Complete.

No, NP-Complete has nothing to do with World of Warcraft. Why do I have to explain everything to you this post? I haven't even gotten to what I want to talk about -- I hadn't even planned on discussing women or mathematics or whatever it is I’m talking about right now. Golly!

Anyway, if you don't know what NPC is, then let me explain:

• NPC stands for Nondeterministic Polynomial time Complete. It's a set of problems that mathematicians haven't figured out the difficulty of.

Basically, all I was trying to say is that there is a better chance we'll be able to determine the complexity of NP-Complete problems than we have of figuring out the first thing about women. At least, we'll mathematically figure out more about NP-Complete problems than we will mathematically figure out about women.

2. The Big Bang Theory

If you don't know what the Big Bang Theory is, then let me explain:

The theory states that X-jillian years ago all matter in the universe was in a single point and then exploded out (aka in a Big Bang).

Well, the problem is not the theory itself -- that's pretty well understood -- but the infallible belief that learned men and women have in it.

Normally, a theory should have an existence proof or, at the least, some supporting evidence behind it. Later, when contradictory evidence is found, the theory has to change or die.

The problem with the Big Bang Theory is that almost all evidence is contradictory. Scientists invent things like 'universe inflation' and stop trusting the speed of light -- at least when it doesn't suit their purposes. It's sad, because if anyone should be rational, it should be the learned men and women of science.

For a long time I have wondered how to convince these smart people to reject their ignorant ways. I thought that I might be able to understand why someone would need to believe something that seems so ludicrous, but there are too many questions. How could all matter be in the same place at the same time? How did it get there? What would cause it to leave? Was it bored?

I've come to three conclusions:

1. A lot of people have been misled. There shouldn't be any blame against these people. It's what we were taught in school.
2. People need to believe something. A person that doesn't have anything to believe in would be no better than a soulless automation built for killing and/or destruction.
3. You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

So I've come to accept that some people hold irrational beliefs about the 'Big Bang Theory', and they always will. To put it bluntly: If the sky opened, a messiah descended on the backs of winged horses, cured all disease, famine, and whatnot, and gave out a description of the origin of the universe that didn't involve a Big Bang -- the next day there would be a lot of scientists converting to atheism.

I just had a scary thought: a female scientist advocating the Big Bang Theory. Double mystery bonus time!

No longer the PS3... now the Media Station 1.

from:  http://www.joystiq.com/entry/1234000283052614/#c364106

No, this isn't truthful, just a funny idea by a person in a blog comment.

The rest of this blogpost is rated M, unless you are with the ESRB and then it is probably Ao.  And I thought I could get away with it too.

Nintendo Counters Sony in Next-Nameration Console War

REDMOND, WA --  Nintendo, in an effort to appeal to an older demographic with their next-generation gaming console, has decided to officially call the system 'Nintendo Will F**k Your Mom 427!'  The first game to be officially re-titled under the matching naming scheme was Mario Party which will be henceforth known as 'Mario Orgy 427'. 

The naming event took place in a large auditorium rented for the event.  The crowd was very entusiastic, which shouldn't have been a surprise since it consisted primarily of Nintendo fanboys and/or hedonistic time-travelers.  When Oedipus went on stage for the unvailing of the name he had this to say: 'Nintendo and I have a lot in common.  We're both winners.  And this time around Nintendo won't be satisfied with sloppy seconds.'  

Unfortunately, the event ended on a tragic note when a number of die-hard Nintendo fans commited suicide.  The cause of their death was attributed to the fact that the heavily rumoured, and long-awaited, followup to 'Kid Icarus' was not announced.

BS Contributed to this Report

There have been two large developments in console gaming that are either signs of the console apocalypse!!!

1. GTA:SA has been recalled for softcore sex that was locked in the game.

2. Ken Kutaragi (aka 'Father of the Playstation') has been replaced by a robot.  And the robot is evil.  And more importantly, it's hellbent on destroying all hu-mans!!1!!!11!

#1 is crazy because it's only a big deal if you haven't played the game or have ever heard about video games.  The only one this should have surprised are people who have sexual intercourse with devil worshipers.  Yes, that's right, the people making a big deal out of this have intimate, Biblical knowledge of the carnal desires of animal/hu-man-sacrificing, blood-drinking, hedonistic followers of evil.

The proof is in the pudding.  And by pudding I mean the fact that sex is 'bad' in America.  If this continues there won't be any Americans in thirty years since we'll all be abstaining.  Save America by having more sex in games!!!

#2 is obvious to anyone who understands how robots think.  They think with their laser beams.  We're just fleshy meatbags to them!!! 

No, I'm not trying to make a Skynet joke like everyone else (Kutaragi claims that all Cell chips can magically communicate together to form one large virtual computer.  Skynet was a virtual computer in the Terminator moves that became self-aware and tried to kill off all humans).  I just happen to have an affinity for robots... 'rodar'.  It's kind of like lesbiandar, but not as good.

  Unless I were sexually attracted to robots.  To which my lawyer's advice has been to respond with: 'no comment.'

One word why Kutargi's claims won't work for games: 'lag'.  Lag is a problem where, due to the time it takes to process a local player's actions, the local game state is out-of-sync with that of the other players.  As a result the game appear to be non-deterministic.  In layman's term the game is 'unfair' or seems to 'cheat'.  If any of Kutargi's latest comments are true it means that the PS3 will be really bad for multiplayer gaming.** 

Although, on the positive side, Bungie just plated the Ban Bomb!  Game Over for cheaters!  Halo 2 (and by extension, homophobic, racist, anti-semitic pricks everywhere) are saved!  Huzzah!

* I made this post at ~2am so it shouldn't make any sense, but it's probably all true.  Except for the spelling and grammatical erroring that are lies to English language w~!4.

** I have no idea what I'm talking about.  Evah!  But this is likely more true than the majority of the linked article, at least on days that don't end in 'hursday.'

[Had to edit this a few times since Spaces went crazy by losing my changes]

I came upon an important realization on Sunday (as depicted by the title of this entry).

For the longest time I assumed society was horribly sick and evil.  That money and chocolate had somehow replaced hugs and honesty.

Well, that's actually still entirely true.

No, the realization I stumbled upon (not that I'm clumsy) is that society isn't a disease.  The fact that there are people out there who can manage to not vomit within the presence of mayo isn't really a problem.  That some people like having fancy clothes, or fancy cars, or fancy women doesn't mean that they have to be taken to a reeducation camp.  That it is okay for people to misuse the word jealousy.

To most people this isn't a big realization -- most people have always lived under the assumption that the status quo is A-OK!!1!

ANALOGY TIME!!!

I have a friend who is constantly fixing his car.  My theory is that the car is magnetically attacted to poles and small animals.  One day he was fixing his car and I was like 'What else is new?'

'No, it's not broken.  I'm making it better.'

To which I replied, 'If it ain't broke, why fix it?'

So to make a round-about analogy short, I just realized that society isn't broken.  That it doesn't need fixing, just fixin's.

Of course, this realization had to happen only moments before I learned that the game industry is doomed to have a massive crash.  Now I've read the article a few times (both forwards and backwards) and it makes me really sad.  Basically, unless Dvorak (the author of the article) is the biggest tool in the world, every company in the entire game industry is going to go out of business.  Most will have to resort to cannabilism to survive unless a new game category is invented!  It seems, from the super-intelligent brain of Dvorak, that game companies only survive by consuming new ideas or by devouring human flesh.  There is no middle ground!

Using his advanced powers of reasoning and knowledging, Mr. Dvorak has opened the light-shining door upon the horrible blight that games are facing: a lack of 'new hotness.'  Which you'd realize was obviously true if (instead of jumping to conclusions) you sat down and tried to name more than five different categories of games.  I spent a while on it, but I only could come up with two, at which point I cheated by looking at his list which had 4-5!  If it helps, neither of mine were on his list, but then again BOOOOM! and razz aren't really game categories or even english.  I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

To summarize: society doesn't need to be fixed, but the game industry needs to be (since someone as super-smart as John C. Dvorak isn't going to be wrong about that kind of thing).

For the longest time people have been trying to find a way to make a square that has the same area as a circle.  These people are called circle-squarers.

It's been a few hundred years and they still haven't managed to do it.  Which means they are all zombies now if they are still trying.  Stupid, mindless zombies hellbent on making squares and circles friends.  It'd almost be sad if there wasn't so much dark magic involved.

I went to a presentation today that explained how to do it: use more dimensions.  It seems that a hypercube can approximate a hypesphere a lot better than a square can approximate a circle.  The guy showed me a graph and it went to eleven.  It was cool.

So if someone ever tells you that you are an ugly, no-good, circle-squarin', son-of-a-so-n-so you can always respond: maybe in the dimensions you are aware of.  Maybe in the dimensions you are conscious of, but in hyper-dimension-land I'm king of the world!!!11!!1!