When growing up, no one thinks about jobs or careers.  Men don't think about marriage or children... other than an occasional "you're joking, right?"  Car insurance?  Being able to legally rent a car?  Running for state senate?  Nope.

Children think about celebrities they'd want to be, power they'd like to abuse, and people they'd like to hang out with.  The whom is more important than the what.  Geography is also an important influence.  For instance, if you grew up in Chicago, your top three list would be:

1. Michael Jordan
2. Duly-Elected President of the United States of America
3. Big-time, Hollywood Movie Director

If you are from another city, you might have a different basketball player (or maybe a rock star?) in the #1 position, but otherwise your list should be the same.**

Now what do those three jobs all have in common?  POWER?  SEX?  MONEY?  DRUGS?  FAME?  Nope, it's that a key responsibility is rebounding.  That's right, most children want to break the boards and get the rock for their team.  There's no 'I' in 'team.'  Give me ten laps before you hit the showers.

Okay, the previous paragraph was kinda weird.  Sorry.  My main point was that Hollywood has taken over the nation's subconscious.  Everyone might say that they want to be an actor, work on special effects, create fantastical costumes, be in charge of cinematography, rig lights, be the Best Boy, or write a million-dollar screenplay.  But if you ask any of those people, they'd reply, "and what I really want to do is direct."  The director is the most important person on a film set.  Ever wonder why a film opens with 'A Film By <DIRECTOR'S NAME>'?  It's because the director is considered the auteur of the film.  It's their vision on screen -- if the film is good, then the director is a genius and will rightfully receive all of the adoration.  If the film is horrible, then it's probably the fault of the producers or the studio -- they changed the film so that it is different than the director intended.

There's a new reality show called "On the Lot" that just started airing on Fox.  The show has some big credentials (produced by Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett), two permanent judges whose names are recognizable (Carrie Fisher and Gary Marshall), and a rotating guest judge (normally A/B-list, but, regardless of resume, their ability to judge cinematography seems competent).  There is a website (thelot.com) that has video clips, message boards, weekly contents, and a decent community.

The goal of the show is to go from fifty contestants (most were cut in the first and second show) to The One.  A prize of 'one million-dollar development deal with Dreamworks' awaits the winner.  The challenges keep changing, but the majority of them have been 'make a movie in X genre, of Y length, given Z time to create the film (concept to cut)'.

The problem?  Irony.  "On the Lot" is about finding a film director, but the show is lacking a director.  Every week the format is different.  It started off as a glimpse 'behind the curtain.'  We'd see people feuding, dreaming, creating, and responding to criticism.  Then -- suddenly -- there was a completely different show in the "On the Lot" timeslot.  The new show had the same name, the same people, and the same goal, but it was different in every way.  It was American Idol, but with short films.  They even tried to stretch it to two shows -- heighten the tension of not knowing the 'public vote results.'  Ratings dropped and the show barely survived.

The recent alterations are paring it back down to something interesting, but it's not the same show.  It's still focused on spectacle.  The judges are powerless under the 'American Idol' format -- their feedback is meaningless if the 'voting public' chooses to ignore it.  To be fair, the judge's criticism doesn't come across as useful, so maybe they needed to change the format as a result.  The criticism is rarely constructive, the three judges all say the same thing when asked their opinion, and their most common complaint is that they fail to understand something that is obvious to the audience.

The judges should each choose a different aspect of directing and limit their critique to constructive comments related to their assigned aspect:

1. the direction of the actors
2. the cinematography employed (and the editing thereof)
3. the use of plot/theme/motifs/effects to convey their assignment

Similarly, the current show format (presentation of films in a theatre with short 'making of' featurettes proceeding the films) makes for better spectacle, but it doesn't help the audience grow as filmmakers.  As a filmmaker, I (and most of the community on their website) found the initial episodes more compelling -- they were a window into the creative process.  However, that window is currently closed and has the blinds drawn. 

At the least, it'd be nice if the films weren't proceeded by spoilers.  The little 'making of' featurettes they show before each film should be placed after the film.  Does anyone watch the deleted scenes or listen to the commentary on a DVD before they've seen the film?

I apologize if my criticism of the show is boring.  No one wants to read a blog filled with a person's personal ranting.  Unless that person is Kiera Knightley.  And she's only given a free pass because she is so amazingly hot.

To summarize: lets make a movie together.  Send in your resumes and headshots.  Especially if you're Kiera Knightley or Scarlett Johanson.  We'll show them the power of the Internet!

* If you were thinking that this was about the invention of pick-up baseball games, then you were mistaken.  Go to your educators and demand a refund.

** There are a few other acceptable entries: 'sex-ed teacher for deaf+mutes', 'viking prince', and 'an astronaut'.  If you entered 'a roadie for a boy band' OR 'Paris Hilton' don't be alarmed!!  Take a deep breath and relax.  We're going to get you help.****

*** Until a male reaches adulthood (generally, in their late 30's), they aren't able to comprehend that other people have feelings.  Women, in particular, are expected to be simple receptacles for a man's feelings, and are held in contempt if they ask for anything in return.

**** NOTE: help not included.

So I've previously blogged about having had a weird fortune cookie.  Now I got one that is really wrong.

At least, I hope it's wrong:

I mean -- golly!  Maybe, out-of-context, it seemed innocent (they forgot to add the 'in bed' at the end).  But still...  That I'm about to get someone knocked up?

Although, I'm about to buy a bunch of Lotto tickets with those lucky numbers -- just in case it's correct.

* Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about a fortune cookie from thirty years ago that is now stale then you were mistaken.  Demand a refund!!!

Was that really a super bowl?  Where were the good commercials?

Is no one advertising anything important this year?

Is it the end of television as we know it?

Every year America makes a deal with the NFL and the television network du jour (henceforth 'Network'):

1. Network shows the Super Bowl
2. Every single person in America turns on the television during the game
3. Network charges advertisers a premium for the few advertisements shown
4. Every single person in America watches the advertisements
5. Network decides to screw the entire American public over
6. No one watches the Super Bowl next year

Basically, #5 and #6 hadn't happened in the previous XXXIX Super Bowls.  What was the Network thinking?  I'm sorry, but let's be honest about it:

XL was the worst Super Bowl ever.

The evidence is overwhelming:

1. It got to the point where I didn't even feel the need to quiet everyone down when the commercials started.
2. No one laughed.  Ever.  Accept for a few Seattle fans who laughed in frustration due to the wonderful officiating.
3. UCLA (http://news.zdnet.com/2100-9595_22-6036456.html?tag=zdfd.newsfeed) manages to find negatives -- that means you're in a lot of trouble.  If you don't understand why this is a problem, you should realize that their official school color is powder baby blue.

Normally, the Super Bowl is good for:

• A bunch of Anheuser-Busch commercials.  A couple are funny and the majority feature horses.
• A bunch of desperate dotcoms with silly branding commercials.
• A bunch of summer blockbusters revealing their entire movie in the thirty seconds they have allotted.
• A bunch of high-budget/quality commercials for household goods and services.

You can read a review of a bunch of commercials here (http://blogs.mercurynews.com/aei/2006/02/the_super_bowl_.html) or here (http://www.slate.com/id/2135409/).

Or watch them at ifilm (http://www.ifilm.com/superbowl), although I'd be really careful since you could go nuts and/or blind if you watch any of the non-four star ones.

Luckily, this blog is dedicated to constructive criticism.  So if anyone from the Network is reading, here are the things you can do to try and get viewers next year:

1. Hire lordpi.com to decide which commercials are acceptable.  In lieu of money you can pay for a lordpi.com commercial that will be super-mega-awesome (I'd call it: Keira Knightley Knaked).
2. Diet Pepsi can no longer advertise during the Super Bowl ever again.  There are certain responsibilities that come with a spot:
1. Be interesting (and preferably entertaining)
2. Provide humour and/or shocks
3. Spend money on producing the spot
4. Have monkeys

Now Diet Pepsi (for what is probably the eighteenth year in a row) failed all four rules.  What did they have (you might ask)?

1. Diet Coke (a competitor)
2. "Brown and Bubbly" as their motto.  WTF?

3. Beg eTrade to advertise again.  They consistently made the best commercials the last few years.
4. Join the dark side.  The Jedi only deal in absolutes.  They don't understand the subtleties of the force.  Power!  Absolute Power!!!  Rise, Lord Vader!  RISE!1!11!!

I know I complained about Diet Pepsi, but what the heck is Gillette's problem?  They built up their Fusion only to lay a five-blade bomb (http://www.boingboing.net/2005/09/14/gillettes_5blade_raz.html).  In order to prevent a millipede-blade apocalypse I've devised a simple questionnaire (for the benefit of razor-blade companies).  For each question provide a number and follow the instructions that follow:

1. How many blades does the new, non-electric razor you've decided to make have?
2. To determine the value of this question, please choose the response that best answers 'What does fusion have to do with your product?'
1. If you 'split hydrogen atoms', then enter -5.
2. If you've fused together multiple products/ideas, please consider naming your product 'two-part epoxy', then enter 0.
3. If you don't have anything combined or split in any way and choose the name 'fusion', then enter 1.

Add up the values from questions one and two.  For each number greater than zero: kill yourself once.  Do not, under any circumstance, waste our time during the Super Bowl and/or have commercials building up about a major breakthrough/announcement that will happen during the Super Bowl.

Now it wasn't all bad (at least for Pittsburg fans).  There was the careerbuilder.com commercial with the dancing monkeys and the jackasses.  At least someone got FedEx's memo from last year:

FedEx: Dancing Burt
Burt Reynolds dances with a bear. Why?


Courtesy of IFILM

(Warning: I tried following the link and you might see a really stupid PSP ad in front of it -- I was going to write a post about that campaign, but I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of ripping them a new hole since they'd probably enjoy it)

* Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for how the Super Bowl ads were made then you were mistaken.  Demand a refund!!!

Two years, two attempts at my online productivity.  Last year the SIFF killed my webcomic.  This year it prevented me from blogging for a month.

Next year?  Maybe it'll destroy mankind, as we know it.

The good news is that it is over.  ~27 movies and ~1 forum in ~33 days.  This, of course, doesn't include 'normal' movies, Alias, Ultimate Frisbee, etc.  Also, I've read ~3-4 textbooks and made three library trips during the course of the festival.  For perspective, normally I read -1.0827 books a year.  I *hate* books.  If mankind was meant to read, there wouldn't be a large amount of illiteracy in third-world countries.

Yet, here we are.  Dumb and illiterate.  Heck, I'm just dumb since I don't know how to spell 'illiteracy' correctly.

What else have I been up to?  I ate a bunch of Big Mama's [pizza] and went to Dick's a few times [hamburgers+fries].  Drank ~700oz of coffee.  Went to one 'interesting,' Star Wars-themed, birthday party.

And the worst bit?  There were 4 SIFF films and 1 forum I didn't get to see that I wanted to.  So now I'm .

 * Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about how the SIFF have performed in the World Cup when matches against me you were mistaken.**  Demand a refund!!!

** Yes, I reused this line from another post.  I'm teh lamerz, d00d!1!!!

I woke up late today.  Once I got out of bed I was incredibly hungry.  It seems that the only food that I had in the house were Japanese candies (Men's Pocky, Botan Rice Candy, and Hello Kitty Pineaple Jelly Candy).  I gorged, but I was still hungry.

So, push came to shove, and I had to get something to eat.

So the first thing I did was go to Uwajimaya.  And I bought more Japanese candy (and some pastries that contain 8003% of the RDA of goodness).  Ow, I think I have a headache.

 * Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about how the Japanese have performed in the World Cup when matches against me you were mistaken.  Demand a refund!!!

No matter how many times one dines out with their friends, there is a moment when the situation will degrade into savage chaos -- the moment the bill arrives.

One can always expect a few things:

1. At least one, or more, people will have no cash on them

2. The only kind of legal tender anyone will have will be 'Yuppie Food Stamps'

For those not in the know, a Yuppie Food Stamp is a $20 bill.  Preferably the new color ones with the giant Jackson head on them and the yummy taste when used as a hamburger condiment.**

There are a couple of ways to settle the bill:

1. Card Roulette -- everyone puts their cards together and the chosen one pays for the entire meal.  Con: luck is a fickly (but incredibly hot) lady.

2. Card Split -- everyone throws a card down and it is split N ways. Con: patrons don't pay proportionally to their eating habits.

3. Applied Mathematics -- everyone figures out how much they owe by staring at the bill, asking everyone else how much they owe, looking into their wallet, waiting for someone else to throw in their card/cash first, if paying by cash they must negotiate for smaller denominations (aka non-20's), probably look at the bill again, and eventually pay.***

4. Get the Bill Split N Ways -- this puts the onus on the waitperson, but it's often easier than depending on the math skills of your friends and/or yourself.

So as you see, it helps a collection of us idiots if the waitperson is proactive and offers to split the bill.

However, this is whole spiel was necessary to establish the most important (and difficult) challenge that a waitperson can experience: The Test****!!!1!

Let's say you have cash (aka $20's) and use it to pay solely for your amount.  The Test is whether or not the waitperson provides change in denominations that allows for you to give them the proper tip.   (eg. If your bill is $14.20, which means you're supposed to leave 1.95~2.60 tip for your service, and you're given back a five dollar bill amongst your change then the waitperson failed The Test -- if you get back five one dollar bills amongst your change then the waitperson passes)

I was in this exact situation on Friday, and ended up scrounging enough loose change to cover an 18% tip.   Of course, my friends hurried out of the restaurant as I counted the dimes and nickels I was forced to leave.

* Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about how the Queen's kitchen staff worked back in the Victorian Age then you were mistaken.  Demand a refund!!!

** This was a joke (the eating on hamburgers), because anyone with any intelligence would know that a burger with money on it would be a cashburger.  Although, I could be wrong, but eating legal tender might be a federal crime (since I think it is unlawful to destroy cash in the United States).

*** Especially if your friends have college degrees in math and comp science -- for some crazy reason this only seems to make it worse.

**** Nomenclature courtesy of Striker (one of the Crew 116 guys).  I added the 1337 punctuation, because I'm k3w1 like that!!!1!

I got a weird fortune (in a fortune cookie) the other day (see attached photo).

"News of an old sweetheart who still thinks much of you."

What the heck does that mean?  It's not even a sentence.  If there was a participle, I'd be like, "Excuse me, sir, but your participle is dangling." 

And the cookie would be like, "Oh dear, me!  I am so embarrassed."  And then it would stop for a moment and look at me in an odd sort of manner -- sizing me up -- and continue, "But also insulted."  Then it would be my turn to be embarrassed, but not before a short amount of conversation (in which my grievous error would come to light).

"I beg your pardon?" I would say, but in a more gentle tone than those words, on paper, would lead you to believe.

"Well, I am a cookie..."

"Yes, that was quite clear to me."

"A fortune cookie..."

"Hence the fortune?"

"Yes, indeed.  However, what kind of cookie contains a fortune?  That is to say," the cookie would continue, realizing that it had yet to get it's point across, "what sort of sex would one equate with an object that primarily consists of a hole?"

And hence, we'd arrive at the point where my embarrassment would begin, having previously addressed the cookie as 'sir' when in fact I should have used the term 'ma'am'.  

* Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about how fortune cookies were invented in San Francisco you were mistaken.  Demand a refund!!!

This might sound weird coming from me, but drugs are pretty cool.  I feel really good right now.  Really good.      Okay, maybe not that good... hmm...

The reason the above should sound weird is that I have the lowest drug usage per-capita of any person in the entire world.  Or, to quote the lyrical masters of 'The Three Six Oh,' on the universe!!1!  That's right, I use less drugs then anyone on the universe.  For real.

In fact, doctors have to physically restrain me to take antibiotics.  And/or any other kind of biotics.  Even though no one believes me, I don't smoke pot.  Nor do I smoke non-pot.  Anyway, I digress (which is quite rare for a blog, so I apologize).

This whole story begins with a three hour tour of a hospital emergency room that I took yesterday morning since I wasn't feeling well.    They told me to drink a lot of fluids, which I did, and when I woke up this morning my stomach wasn't hurting me anymore (huzzah) -- but my neck was.

I'm not sure if I slept on it wrong or if it is a side-effect or whatnot, but it would hurt to move my tongue; I couldn't chew/swallow/lick my monitor or ANYTHING!    So I talked to a nurse, and she told me to take I-B-Profin.  So I did.  Or at least I think I have, since it was called 'I-B-U-Profin' on the box.  And now I feel better and can shout obscenities at people without being in tremendous pain!!!1!

That's right, go lick a maggot you, churlish, lily-livered hugger-mugger! 

* Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about celebrities and their fascination with dope you have been mislead by your educators.  Demand a refund!!!

** I have no idea where my sudden need for smileys came from.   

So I'm in beautiful Los Angeles County right now.  It's teh awesome!!1!  Except for the fact that I brought Seattle weather (aka clouds+rain) and traffic (aka moron drivers) with me.  So everyone's sad, and wet, and stuck in traffic.  Also, I've been lax in taking pictures.

It's odd, I used to live in L.A. for a few years (aka went to University here), but now when I visit I basically just go for the food (Philippe's, Rosco's House of Chicken and Wafles, Tommy's, Pink's, Real Mexican food, etc).  And go to the Chinese (the world famous theatre!!!, not anything else... although, maybe I should get some great Chinese in Chinatown... thanks, blog, for giving me a good idea!!!  you are teh awesome!!1!).

I guess I also visit friends.  And the campus.  And Santa Monica (since it's cool).  I'll pro'ally also go to Fry's on Tuesday to pick up 'Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle' (not only because they'll have a sale on it, but because the Fry's in Seattle-land isn't as cool as the theme-store Fry's they have out here (we got jipped).  I might also go to a museum. Golly!!! 

So basically this is the worst blog post I've made, yet.  If it helps: play 'Dawn of the Dead' in Halo 2 with your friends.  It's teh awesome!!1!  I was telling some friends about it and now I want to play it again.  Hopefully crew 116 has an article or a link to an article about it.

* Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about spelunking in the secret caves beneath Los Angeles you have been mislead by your educators.  Demand a refund!!!

So I've been spending nearly all of my free time playing KOTOR2 (rather than blogging).  I guess I'll write a review, but I'm not sure I'm even half-way done with the game.  Which is kinda weird since it's based off of d20 and all my characters are already level 21 (which is one level beyond how far the first game allowed). 

There have been four big bits of gaming news lately, which all should effect the gaming industry.  I'm guessing none of them were a result of people playing too much KOTOR2, but stranger things have not happened.

1. Hollywood writer files suit against Microsoft because some unrelated company made an xbox game with a somewhat similar idea inside of it.  I wrote up a bit at home about this, but I haven't had a chance to finish it.
2. EA gets exclusive rights to make NFL-based video games for the next 5 years.  Basically screws over all of the competition in the process.
3. Microsoft sells it's Indie studio (Links, Top Spin, Amped) to Take-2.  Crazy that three good brands are basically given away.  Unless this means that a GTA in the future would be Xbox exclusive?
4. SpikeTV broadcasts a 'video game award' show.  Some people with nothing to do with video games made an award show that also had nothing to do with video games.  The result is that video games, as an art form, are set back decades.  Good job, geniuses.

* Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about KOTOR2's development affecting the economics of a third world nation you have been mislead by your educators.  Demand a refund!!!

I can't eat at Claim Jumpers for at least a year.

Some pals and I had a bad experience there (bad touch! bad touch!): poor service, cold food, wrong order, excessive waiting, etc.  This led Ad (a pal) to ask for the manager.  It took a few more tries (2 or 3), but the waitress finally produced said manager.  Then Ad went to work -- not literaly, only in the figurative 'kicking ass' sense.  Lets just say that both sides were disappointed once Ad finished wiping the floor with the waitstaff (us due to the service, them due to the 'gratis' compensation).  Afterword, the four of us made a pact** that any return to Claim Jumpers would be kinda awkward, at least for the near term.

* Yes, this is actually what History is supposed to mean.  If you were looking for a study about courtroom trials dealing with gold-rushers you have been mislead by your educators.  Demand a refund!!!
** The pact was made with mind bullets!!!!