I told this to our new VP at a big all-hands meeting and shortly thereafter there were a bunch of changes made to the menu.  Well, they removed/shrunk the awesome Indian food section and brought in Ivar's.  In case you don't know, Ivar's is a fast-seafood chain. 

Which, ignoring the outrageous prices, wouldn't be so bad if for one simple fact: I don't eat seafood.  None.  Not eels, or squids, or octapii, or sperm whales, or fish, or mermaids, or crab, or shrimp, or lobster.  The closest item on their menu to non-seafood is a tuna sandwich on bread made from ground-salmon covered in an oyster sauce and sprinkled with baby shrimp eggs.

 

So the moral of the story is that sometimes it is better to just eat a Starbucks coffee for lunch.

1. Hide it on the left like I currently am.
2. Arrange for it to have a little 'accident'.

The other modules (that are missing a title area) already had a little 'accident'. Hehe...  They're 'sleeping with the fishes, see'...  Which means you can probably get them at Ivar's for $9.34 with fries.  And the fries are made of ground whitetail heads fried in an oil that's not oil at all, unless oil can be comprised entirely of brine.

By the time you read this, it might already be too late for it...

Webpages are quick, fearful creatures.  They scurry around like cockroaches once a kitchen light is turned on.  The only way to catch them is to think like them.

Unfortunately, webpages are just files that conform to the HTML 'standard', so you really can't think like them.  That was just a really bad idea and I don't know why you'd even entertain that as an option.  I mean really?  Thinking like webpages? 

No, the way to catch a webpage is to use one of four techniques:

1. Have the user type the name of the webpage in their address bar.  The address bar is where the keyboard focus goes when one presses 'Alt+D' [holding down the 'Alt' key and then pressing and releasing the 'D' key].
1. Ex. 'Alt+D' moocomic 'Ctrl+Enter' will take you to my 'neglected' webcomic [if it is still running]
2. Ex. 'Alt+D' www.moocomic.com 'Enter' will also take you there
2. Click a link on a webpage that you are already viewing.  Links are commonly blue and underlined.  When the mouse goes over them the curser turns into a hand, so that it's easier to grab it .  Pressing the 'Tab' key should cycle between the links on the page.
3. Click a link from a 'search results' webpage that you are already viewing.  These links resemble #2, but they are dynamically generated for you.  One can search from their address bar by placing a '? ' in front of whatever they want to search for.  IE7 (and some recent browsers) also support 'Ctrl+E' to place keyboard focus in a special search box.
4. Being the homepage/favorite/launched from another application.  All of which are outside of the scope of this article.

As you can guess, the majority of webpage navigations are done by grabbing a link and squeezing the precious life out of it until it rats out the location of the webpage it is protecting.    At that point the browser is able to take you there. 

It's never that simple, though: Links can't be trusted.

In a lot of ways, this might sound like the defense an abused woman gives for her horrible husband:  it's not his fault, it's just his nature.    As that ever makes it all right.  Links are a lot like abusive spouses, and the sooner you realize it [and act on it], then the better off you will be.  You have to understand that you're not going to change them, no matter how hard you try.*  The only way they'll change is if they [aka the webpage author] want to change.

On the Internet, a link can be one of the following:

1. The demagogues -- They promise you all sorts of awesomeness ['Free Xbox' or 'KittenS Ex Videos'].  Yet, you are instead given a lame webpage.
1. The retard -- Generally shows up in search results when you're looking to answer a question.  They promise salvation, but return a webpage that doesn't help due to it's lack of content.
2. The jerk -- They redirect you to a broken/dead website.  404!  401!  879!  500!  503!  007!
3. The flasher -- They seem promising, but surprise!!! Porn!!!  Which isn't always a bad thing, but for some reason bosses seem to frown on it while at work.
2. The sharks -- They don't care about you -- they're only in it for the money.  Every click you make is money in their pocket.
1. The decepticon -- A well-placed/worded advertisement in disguise.
2. The spammer -- Each click opens up pop-ups, pop-unders, pops-to-the-side, etc.  At some point you have a bazillion windows open and your computer starts crying.
3. The con artist -- Fakes a link to look like it's something from the operating system or a known website.  Also known as phishing.  Generally used for illegal or harmful acts against you , your computer , and/or black olive pizza .  The pizza connection isn't fully understood, but they haven't returned any of the phone calls/inquiries we've made to their palace on the extradition-free Island of Freedonia .
4. The search engines -- They are in the advertisement business.
5. The dirty prostitute -- They sneak onto your webpages through comments and trackbacks so a search engines ranks their webpages better.
3. The normal -- YMMV [Your Mileage Might Vary -- which I think is about 24mpg highway at the moment].
1. The blog/homepage -- An opinionated, libel-filled rant by a person who can't really write or find employment as a journalist.  Most of it are people crying about the sand that has worked its way up into their private areas.  Because it itches sooooo much.
2. The corporate site -- Bland, poorly organized, and never up-to-date.
3. The Internet tool -- In perpetual Beta.  80% of what you want with 20% of the interface done.  Due to the fact that every tool has eight other clones on the Internet, none will ever have all of your friends on them.
4. The 'professional' news site -- 90% are AP or Reuters articles on all of the other related news sites.  The opinion pieces also resemble those on the other related news sites since journalists are forced to take robot implants in University which kills their human spirit.  Unfortunately, it fuels their first for human blood.  Just like dolphins.
5. Nekked Pictures -- 90% of the Internet can't be wrong.  Well, I mean it's wrong.  It's really wrong.  And although you, dear reader, are a pervert, please keep patronizing lordpi.com.
4. The lordpi.com -- All of the below are absolutely true and self-explanatory.
1. The utopia
2. The penultimate
3. The truth and honesty
4. The pinez**

Yes, I left out things like .gov domains and probably a lot of other things.  Don't forget that it's possible to mix and match and of the first three kinds.  Many con artists are retarded, after all.

Anyways, this whole post was due to the fact that I just had to delete twenty trackbacks from my blog posts since some retarded, dirty prostitute wanted to game the search engines.  I introduced them to my little friend, delete.

* Yes, there are wiki's.  A wiki is a webpage in which anyone can change anything at any time without consequence.  In a lot of ways they are like loose women, except without the boobs, and they have nothing whatsoever in common with women.  In other words: they're pretty cool, but could be a lot softer.

** I just made up this word today.  Still trying to figure out what it means.  Sorry. 

Herein I kill* the proverbial two birds with one stone.**

What kind of man is known as 'pi'?  And to what does he 'lord' over?  What crimes or deeds must one do to be titled 'dark'?  Are all of these questions written as tricks -- never to be answered?

Some say that questions are the best answer.  Others are deaf mutes.  This being the homepage of the world's foremost satirist, the most appropriate answer for any question is in the form of a story:

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Having failed to make a living as a blogger/gigaloo/webartist/shareware developer/game designer/writer, lord pi finds himself trapped on a Trade Federation frigate.  His arch-nemesis is in close pursuit.

"Not another step, Herr Lord P!"

"Is there a known language with silent 'I's?  It's pi as in the transcendental/irrational number.  Damnit, Cronus, you of all people should know that."

"Perhaps I know a lot of things.  Perhaps."  Lord pi felt the heat of Cronus' twin hellhounds approaching bearing down on him -- Anxiety and Stress.  "I see you noticed my twin cerebuses.  Two animals, six heads, all death!  Oh how they've longed for your manhood."

"What?"

A Fruedian flashed across the timeless one's eyes.  "I mean flesh.  They're flesh feasters.  Yum, yum, yum they say when flesh is around… Not that they talk or anything.  At least…"  Seeing Cronus trail off into the complexities of infernal animal communication/breeding gave pi some time to come up with a plan.

"I hate to interrupt your soliloquy, but you've already lost this round.  You see, I possess a power that eludes both you an Uwe Boll -- that of the story!"

Not to our readers: Cronus went to high school with Polyhymnia and had the biggest crush on her.

Lord Pi glanced back at the puppies and began:

""Back on Earth, a planet you've constrained to twenty-four hour days, a person needs an occupation to survive.  Some become financial leeches, some find employment serving others, a few are producers of goods, and others print money.  One man, having failed make a living as a blogger/gigaloo/webartist/shareware developer/game designer/writer, happened to have a day career.  The hours are often long -- 18-27 hours a night.  It's noble work -- making creative and useful products for a product-producing corporation, but sometimes the hours interfere with one's international playboy lifestyle.  Lately, lord pi finds himself in such a stress.  What's worse is that his wrist starts hurting.

A hurt wrist does not make a happy typist.  The first thing a human will try is the non-confrontational approach (aka 'stick head in sand').  Being human (or at least believing himself to be human), lord pi said 'Ow!'  Then he rearranged his desk to be more ergonomic.  Then more Feng Shui.  Then he attached wires to his knees.  Nothing helped.

Once confronted with a difficulty, the next human approach is to surf though the porn for the Internet.  That was a mistake -- now his wrist hurt more.  Little did our dear, perverted, always thinking of human procreation (without the procreation or even humans all the time) reader know, lord pi is a hypochondriac and now believed himself to possess every illness that the Internet told him of.  Yes, even osmosis.

The very next, next, next day lord pi went to see his doctor.  The doctor was a generally nice guy.  Almost grandfatherly, but not that old (unless he and his children started at a young age).  He took one look at lord pi and said, "Stop being such a wimp."

"What?"

"You should go to the gym more.  The only thing wrong with you is that you have the muscle mass of a dead pigeon.  And your hair is all split ends [Ed: get a haircut, loser].  And you stink.  And…"  Well, you get the point. 

Lord pi found himself both relieved and confused.  "I'm both relieved and confused," he said.  "So it's not carpal tunnel syndrome?"

"No, it's that you are the biggest wimp in the world."  Lord pi thought up the wittiest comeback ever devised by any member of the human race, but before he could begin to respond he was stopped with two words: "Stop it.  Stop it now."  The kind doctor then took a look back at the chart from lord pi's recent cough attack (aka 'physical').  "By the way, your blood work came back in.  You need to eat more green leafs and vegetables."

That's right:  for lord pi's wrist to live he must become Popeye!""

Cronus reflected on the story for a while.  "You just made that all up."

"Actually, unlike everything I've said or am saying or will say I did not make up a single word of that.  With the notable exception of the insults that followed being called a wimp and the hu-man seeking robots bent on world destruction."

"What hu-man seeking robots bent on world destruction?" asked Cronus with a nervous start.

Lord pi gulped and looked around, "But perhaps I've said too much."

And perhaps I've said too much as well.  Goodnight.***

* Since the birds in question are ostrigalosaurs its more of a wound than a kill.

** It's a small rock (82 grams).

*** Unless you are a hu-man seeking robot bent on world destruction, because it's probably day for you.  And thus I must wish you a good day.

Pretty flowers all over the place!!!

Why? Because I was tired of having Plain-Jane-Orange  as the background.  The background I really wanted was the Orange/Black Electic-Boogaloo , but it seems to have a CSS bug that makes lists impossible to read .  I should beat up* the people who made Spaces until they fix it .

The other major change is that I added a list of 'Antagonists' to the left side .  I wanted to have two columns on the right, but it didn't let me.  So it's one the left... learn to live with it .  I originally thought of calling them 'Enemies', but that would be kind of awkward .  Regardless, I figured that I should put them on the left so they have prominent billing on the home-page .  I'll be adding to this list frequently -- it should summarize the things I have/will/should satire .

No, I did not mess up by putting the same description under 'Women'  and 'Reality' .  If either of us is mistaken, it is you -- a non-Misogynistic, non-Romantic, gleeking, motley-minded, clack-dish!** 

I have no idea why I have more smileys  than text  in this blog post .  I don't think I'm  making any sense with them anymore  >> .

* By beat up, I'm referring to asking them nicely to fix it .  Maybe even bribing them with coffee  or something .

** Shakespeare , unlike my 'Antagonists' , rules.

Hmmm.... it seems that I can't figure out how to set the date/time of a post.  This shall make the migration much more difficult.

Going to port over stuff from lordpi.com soon...