or You Can't Go Home Again

The other day I was in my local supermarket, and decided to buy some chewing gum.  I haven't had gum in a long time, and I really wanted to chew on something.  Something soft that wouldn't contribute many calories.  Which meant that I had the short list of:

1. spinach

2. chewing gum

Through a man's eyes, that list is the same as:

1. chewing gum

There I was, in the candy aisle, looking at my available options:

1. Something with 'invert sugar'.  I'm not sure what that is, but it probably has to do with anti-matter.  I read [in a comic book] that anti-matter-sugar, when added to sugar, causes a nuclear fission.  Best to be avoided.

2. Fifty different pieces of gum advertised as 'sugarless gum'.  These all had artificial sugars that may be more harmful to a person than real sugar.  We'll know more in fifty years if anyone who's had it is still alive.

3. Ten different pieces of gum (Juicy Fruit, Big Red, etc), that I know I had before the advent of 'sugarless gum', that weren't advertised as sugarless, and contained artificial sweeteners.  I think a little kitten died somewhere when I read the ingredient label.  Those were the only kinds of gum I used to eat, but now they're under a new formula?  New Juicy.  Where is Juicy Fruit Classic?

4. Two weird 'Bubbalicious' flavors with actual sugar.

Now I can think of a couple of reasons behind the change:

1. Dentists -- they enjoy causing harm/suffering in others.  And/or something about sugar being bad for one's teeth, but that reason is very unlikely -- if it was true, then they'd be losing business by removing sugar.

2. Fake Sugar Companies -- they get money when people use their artificial sugar.

3. Americans -- unable to control one's diet, the average American approaches self-image with the 3 B's: blaming others for one's problems, being a jerk by trying to destroy another's happiness, and -- if all else fails -- bulimia.

4. Cost -- it's cheaper to reuse the same batter for everything.  It seems that there are only two companies making the seventy flavors of chewing gum, so this becomes a likely reason. 

To make a long story short, I feel like 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper's character in "John Carpenter's They Live": I'm all out of bubblegum.

I know that there are 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books, but are there 'Choose Your Own Romance' books?

You are a plain woman with long, curly hair.  You keep finding yourself in compromising situations, though.  During your lunch break, Joe asks if you'd like to accompany him to a sporting exhibition.  Joe's a sweetheart, and you're really close, but there's something missing.  Lacking any other plans, you agree to go -- as a friend.  However, when you stop by the gym, after work, you notice Charles, the jerk who never called you back.  Suddenly, there is eye-contact, and you feel uncomfortable.  You try to walk away.  "Sally, wait," he says, catching up to you.  He explains how his phone died and he didn't have your number elsewhere.  He wants to see you tonight.  If you decide to break off your plans with Joe, turn to page 16.  If you decide to give Joe a raincheck, go to the sporting exhibition, and then sleep with Joe (in a misbegotten, passive-aggressive attack on Charles), turn to page 69.  If you decide to continue with the blog article, turn to the next paragraph.

You hesitate, flustered.  Charles, sensing your fluctuating heart, grabs you by the shoulders and pulls you in.  As your lips meet, you feel yourself melting in his arms.  Suddenly there is a flurry of blood and glass as a meteorite impacts the gym.  Charles dies instantly, but you aren't so lucky.  It takes a while for the rescue workers get to you.  By that time, you've already lost a lot of blood.  Jim, a handsome paramedic, does his best to bandage and reassure you.  His presence is a temporary reprieve from the pain, and his deep voice does a lot to explain what happened.  "Don't worry, everything's going to be okay," are the last words you hear before slipping into "Survivor's Shock."  Months pass at the hospital with no signs of brain function.  Janice, your younger sister, has the power of attorney.  She's scared and confused -- you left no living will.  If Janice should decide to pull the plug, turn to page 15.  If Janice should decide to get 'the nasty on' with the cute doctor, turn to page 113.  If you decide that you really, really want to continue with the blog article, turn to the next paragraph.

Janice hesitates, flustered.  The cute doctor stops by.  He puts his hand on her shoulder, to reassure her, but Janice is sure she feels something more.  Suddenly there is a flurry of blood and glass as a meteorite impacts the hospital.  Unlike the last one, this one is really big and causes the extinction of the human race.  THE END.

Golly.  I think there's a lot of potential in that genre.  It'd be awesome to have a high-school girl dealing with a boyfriend whose always like 'I love you' and 'if you really love me, you'd prove it'.  Can you imagine the page when she gets pregnant?  Yeah, it'd be very wrong, but at the same time it'd be very emotionally powerful.

Jim, the star wide-receiver on the football team, has been avoiding you all week.  You're going to talk to him today, for sure.  Waiting in front of the gym doors, his teammates pass you.  Kevin doesn't respond well to your questioning.  "He's probably still practicing."  He snickers, though.  Jim is one of the last stragglers to show up.  "Not now, babe," he tells you.  "I've got to hit the showers." 

"It's always 'not now, babe' with you."  I'm not going to cry.  "We need to talk."

"What.  We talk.  I've got to go," he replies.  You physically block his path with his body.  "C'mon."

"I thought you loved me," you say -- your voice breaking.

His eyes are different than they were before that night.  There is hesitation in his voice, "I do love you, babe.  But I really have to go."  There is a pause.  "We can talk later.  Okay?"

If you decide to let him go, turn to page 18.  If you decide to blurt out how you're two weeks late, turn to page 34.

* * *

Of course, I'd also want to write where the reader could see the same situation from Jim's perspective.  That way, it could be used to help explore the differences between male and female minds.

Alas, another project for the 'todo' pile.

- - -

If you decide to find out how to read CYOA and why they are immoral, turn to 'Part 1'.
If you decide to flirt with the receptionist, turn to page 156.

Like most children, I spent a fair amount of time reading books.  In particular, I was quite fond of Choose Your Own Adventure books.  Looking back, I realize that they were called books, but were actually maze games.  They'd normally have a single, true ending and a bunch of dead-ends along the way.

The writing wasn't done by Nobel laureates.  And they were always very short.  I guess it's hard to keep branching out -- the more you branch out, the harder it is to back-track.  The more developed branches, the shorter each 'real' story would have to be.

When reading a CYOA, I'd keep fingers at all of the branches.  I'd want to know most everything that happened.  Breadth-First-Reading.  Most of the branches would end after a page or two -- there was normally only one real story, and that made it easier.  If there were too many outstanding branches [more than four in a direction], I'd have trouble backtracking correctly.  I'm not sure how y'all read them.  Maybe there is an easier way?

However, I realized -- recently -- that they're immoral.  They set unrealistic explanations on the way life works.  In real life, you only get to take one path.

In real life, you can 'start over,' but it's not the same thing.  You can take a new job, go back to school, break-up, get time-off for good behavior, and/or move to a new city.  However, you're always moving forward.  The past remains indelible.  No matter what actions you take, there aren't any finger-marked pages waiting for you.

I'm not trying to be an alarmist.  And I'm not advising indecision -- look at what happened to Hamlet.  (poor guy)  Just that CYOA books should be collected and burned for the good of mankind!  Wait, that's not it, either.  Let me backtrack a bit.

There is a certain reward for taking the wrong path in a CYOA -- when you see the 'THE END', it was time to go back to the last finger.  That's the primary problem with CYOA's -- that they are about figuring out what you're not supposed to do.  Which is a good thing -- real-life is spent in a similar pursuit.  However, in real-life, you can never go back to your finger-marks.

We really need a new kind of CYOA -- one that isn't a maze-game, but a 'serious' game.  A game in which you can't even go back.  It wouldn't be about dead-ends, but surviving.  What would that look like?

- - -

If you decide to find out what a 'serious' CYOA would look like, turn to 'Part 2'.
If you decide to attack the shark with a spear-gun, turn to page 136.